1
00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:04,838
These divorce lawyers
have a good business,
don't they?

2
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,376
Yeah, in the same way
locusts have a good business.

3
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:13,647
Mmm, smells good.

4
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,783
So does the coffee.

5
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,388
Charlie, stop sniffing
the paralegals.

6
00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:24,058
Look, I am paying my attorney
by the hour

7
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,593
so just speak
when spoken to,

8
00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:29,530
and, uh, otherwise,
you know, just... shut up.

9
00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,400
Hey, if you'd listened to me
in the first place,

10
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:33,967
you wouldn't be in this mess.

11
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,803
I'm the one who told you
not to marry her.

12
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,405
You're also the one
who told me

13
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:39,273
that if I jumped off
the garage roof

14
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,842
with a bath towel
tied around my neck

15
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,311
I could fly to school.

16
00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:46,780
The one time you listen to me.

17
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:48,249
Let me tell you
another thing.

18
00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:50,418
If I hadn't married Judith,
there'd be no Jake.

19
00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:52,686
I didn't say
you couldn't knock her up.

20
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,723
Okay, let's get started.

21
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:56,824
Wow.

22
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,293
No. No wowing.

23
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:03,131
No sniffing, no wowing.

24
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:03,864
Laura Lang.

25
00:01:03,931 --> 00:01:05,099
Charlie Harper.

26
00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:07,968
Hey, didn't you used
to date Superman?

27
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:09,303
That's Lana Lang.

28
00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:10,738
She was Superboy's girlfriend,

29
00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:13,207
and guys have been using
that tired old line on me

30
00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,275
since fifth grade.

31
00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:16,076
Did it ever work?

32
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,412
Let's just get down to business,
okay?

33
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:19,580
Okay.

34
00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:23,151
Didn't the Titanic
bang into her?

35
00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:24,818
Okay, Mr. Harper,

36
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:26,254
the reason I wanted to see you

37
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,188
is that your brother
is involved

38
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:28,689
in a divorce action

39
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:30,991
where the custody of his son
might become an issue.

40
00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:32,426
Really? Why?

41
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:35,429
Well, because Jake stays
with his father part-time.

42
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:37,198
His father lives with you,

43
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:38,632
and in the words of his mother,

44
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:41,068
you are... hang on--
I want to get this right--

45
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:42,603
oh, here it is...

46
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:43,771
"a sleazeball."

47
00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,607
Yeah. So?

48
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:49,443
So she might try to take Jake
out of your home.

49
00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:51,445
Why? It's a beautiful home.

50
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,149
You really should come
see it some evening.

51
00:01:57,718 --> 00:01:59,653
It's in Malibu.

52
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:02,456
Right on the beach.

53
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:06,294
My point is,
if Mrs. Harper decides

54
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,661
to make an issue
out of your lifestyle,

55
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:08,829
we need to be prepared.

56
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:10,298
What's wrong with my lifestyle?

57
00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:11,865
Oh, no.
We are not going

58
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,967
down that road
at $300 an hour.

59
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:16,270
Relax, Alan. I'm going
to need to know

60
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:18,972
every possible thing
they can use against us--

61
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:20,808
every skeleton in your closet.

62
00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,843
Oh, boy.

63
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:25,813
So, what, you want
to know about my sex life?

64
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:29,116
Your sex life, your drinking,
your gambling, partying.

65
00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:31,652
On the beach.

66
00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:34,488
Mr. Harper.

67
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:35,756
I'm sorry.

68
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:39,092
Isn't that kind of
an invasion of my privacy?

69
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,894
It is, and I apologize for that.

70
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:42,596
But I handle a lot of divorces,

71
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,765
and believe me,
they can get nasty.

72
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:47,735
Look, I've got to be in court,

73
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,537
so why don't you give this
some thought,

74
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,539
and when you gather
the information we need,

75
00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:53,541
give me a call.

76
00:02:56,677 --> 00:03:00,481
Okay. Starting from now
and working backward,

77
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:06,487
I've slept with...
my brother's attorney...

78
00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:10,658
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *

79
00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:12,460
* Men... *

80
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,066
So Laura, let me ask
you something.

81
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,235
The other day
in your office,

82
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:23,904
you didn't seem
to like me much.

83
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:26,640
I'm just wondering

84
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,976
what caused you
to drive over here,

85
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,578
you know, mostly naked?

86
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,880
Charlie, I don't have
to like you to want you.

87
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,782
Right on.

88
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,220
For the record,

89
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:42,089
I don't like you
much either.

90
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:44,525
Right on.

91
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,496
Another question.

92
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:53,301
Seeing as how you're my
brother's lawyer and all,

93
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:57,004
is what we're doing here--
what's the word-- unethical?

94
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,806
Oh, God, yes.

95
00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:01,275
Right on.

96
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:06,079
Listen, Charlie,
I totally get who you are.

97
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,248
You date lots of women.
You're a player.

98
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:10,017
That's fine. I don't care.

99
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,453
Oh, you are very special.

100
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,323
I just have
one little request.

101
00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:18,091
You can pretty much have
anything you want right now.

102
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,660
If your brother
found out about us,

103
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,261
he could sue me
for malpractice.

104
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:22,596
I'm taking
a big risk here.

105
00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,598
Man, this just keeps
getting hotter.

106
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:28,268
But I need you
to do something for me.

107
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:31,405
When I call you,
when I want you,

108
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,740
you've got to be there.

109
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,975
Okay, let's practice.

110
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:36,577
( makes ringing sound )

111
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:37,445
Hello?

112
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:38,946
Oh, hey, Laura,
what's up?

113
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,147
Now.

114
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,782
Right on.

115
00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:48,922
Hello? Charlie?

116
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,962
Sorry, but I'm gonna have
to speed this up.

117
00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,099
Charlie, relax.

118
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:02,069
Just go downstairs
and distract him.

119
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,371
You're gonna leave?

120
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:04,772
Hey, I'm done.

121
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:08,275
No cuddling,
no sharing feelings?

122
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,910
I think I'm starting
to like you.

123
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,345
Save the sweet talk.

124
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,280
Just remember our deal.

125
00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:14,815
It suddenly occurs to me.

126
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:19,052
I'm usually the one sneaking out
when the man gets home.

127
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:20,488
Charlie, go!

128
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:22,956
I thought it was a fun fact.

129
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:26,994
Hey, Uncle Charlie.

130
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,062
Hey, buddy. You're here early.

131
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:30,464
Teacher's conference, half day.

132
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,165
Whoa, where you going?

133
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:33,834
I'm looking
for my Gameboy.

134
00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:34,868
Forget your Gameboy.

135
00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:37,538
It's a beautiful day.
Go watch TV.

136
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,673
I don't want to watch TV.

137
00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:41,341
I want to play my Gameboy
and it's in your room.

138
00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,844
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

139
00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:48,081
The parental code
that unlocks the
pay channels is 1234.

140
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:49,483
1234.

141
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:50,884
I shoulda known.

142
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:53,921
Oh, I'm sorry.

143
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,089
Did I interrupt
your late morning nap

144
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,257
or the early afternoon nap?

145
00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:59,693
I don't nap. I recharge.

146
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:01,929
Can I get you a beer?

147
00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:03,063
Sure, thanks.

148
00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:05,833
Come on.

149
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:09,302
Hang on. Alan Harper
for Laura Lang, please.

150
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,070
What are you doing?

151
00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:11,271
Calling my lawyer.

152
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:12,873
Why? I thought
we were gonna have a beer.

153
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:15,709
Judith is demanding half
my book collection.

154
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,911
Oh, man.
Sounds like you need a beer.

155
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,047
They're rare
first editions, Charlie.

156
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,549
Very valuable.

157
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,851
Okay, well, you don't need
to get your lawyer involved.

158
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:26,253
Hey, you've still got
your old garage door
clicker, right?

159
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:27,354
Yeah.

160
00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:28,789
So, let Judith
have the books

161
00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:30,858
and then one night
maybe someone goes

162
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:31,725
and gets them back.

163
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:34,061
Wonderful.
Breaking and entering.

164
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:37,030
It's not "breaking"
if you have the clicker.

165
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,966
More good advice.

166
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,268
And it's free.

167
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:42,402
So hang up and let's
get that beer.

168
00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:43,771
Sure, I'll hold.

169
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:47,575
They're patching me
through to her cell phone.

170
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,443
( phone rings )

171
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,745
What's that?

172
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:52,713
That?

173
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:55,048
That is, coincidentally,
my cell phone.

174
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,551
Excuse me.

175
00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:59,487
Oh, hi, Alan.

176
00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:00,721
Don't answer!

177
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,323
What's up?

178
00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,357
What are you doing?

179
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,393
Hang on, Alan.

180
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:07,961
I'm making a living, Charlie.

181
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,963
I thought you were worried
about malpractice.

182
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,666
I'm more worried
about billable hours.

183
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,368
Can you prove you
acquired the books

184
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,037
in question prior
to the marriage?

185
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,038
Charlie!

186
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:19,072
Coming.

187
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,073
Shh.

188
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:22,042
Why are you shushing me?

189
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,243
Hang on.

190
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:24,311
What?

191
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:25,312
I'm on the phone with Laura.

192
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:26,680
Say hi for me.

193
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:28,081
Give it up, Charlie.

194
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,182
She doesn't like you.

195
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,051
True.

196
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,886
Listen, you'll testify
that I bought

197
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,489
all my first-edition books
before I got married, right?

198
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:36,089
Did you?

199
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:36,957
No.

200
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:37,958
Then I'm your man.

201
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:39,026
I can prove it.

202
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,528
Charlie's my witness.

203
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:41,695
Hey, what happened
to the TV?

204
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:44,565
There's nothing dirty on.

205
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:45,633
I'm gonna get my Gameboy.

206
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:47,100
No, no, no.
No, no, no.

207
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,435
No, wait right here.

208
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,303
I'll get it for you.

209
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,640
Of course, he's credible.

210
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:53,907
I don't know, Alan.

211
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:57,010
If the right lawyer
gets their hands on him,

212
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,947
they could really
make him sweat.

213
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,015
Very funny.

214
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:05,553
Have you seen a Gameboy
anywhere around here?

215
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,655
Okay, we'll just have
to do the best we can.

216
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,222
I'll tell him exactly
what to do

217
00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,858
and who knows?

218
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:14,261
Maybe he'll get the job done.

219
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,430
I got the job done twice.

220
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:21,268
Why don't you let me
talk to him?

221
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,103
Charlie!

222
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:27,841
Why?

223
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:34,815
Where's my Gameboy?

224
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,550
I'll buy you a new one.

225
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,086
She wants to talk to you.

226
00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,554
Keep it short.

227
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:41,722
Alan, if I could
keep it short,

228
00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:43,891
my life would be
so much simpler.

229
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:45,993
Hello?

230
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,194
Now.

231
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:49,096
What?

232
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:53,200
I want you now.

233
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:54,868
You've got to be kidding.

234
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,637
Charlie, I pay her
by the hour.

235
00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,906
Just listen to her
and do what she says.

236
00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:02,610
You're the boss.

237
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:03,877
I'll get right on it.

238
00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:05,746
What did she say?

239
00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:07,915
Uh, she wants me to...
write a statement.

240
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:10,117
And she wants you to...
take Jake out

241
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,719
and buy him a new Gameboy.

242
00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:13,621
Why would she want that?

243
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:14,888
For God's sake, Alan,

244
00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:16,990
you're paying this woman
a lot of money.

245
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,792
I suggest you take her advice.

246
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:22,029
Jake, we're going out.

247
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,799
I just want
to make it clear

248
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,267
that I would never behave
in a way

249
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:29,302
that would negatively influence
my nephew.

250
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:30,470
( scoffs )

251
00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:31,905
Hey, what was that?

252
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:33,373
Is she allowed to do that?

253
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,407
Mr. Harper,

254
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:35,909
how many women
would you say

255
00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:38,511
you have sexual relations
with in any given year?

256
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:39,947
Excuse me.

257
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,822
I do okay.

258
00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,793
Ten, 20, a hundred?

259
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,461
Come on. I don't keep count.

260
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,496
So we'll say... ten?

261
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:57,665
I don't see the relevance
of this.

262
00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:58,866
Well, we're trying

263
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,834
to establish
Mr. Harper's lifestyle

264
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:02,903
as a way of determining
whether his home

265
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,905
is a suitable environment
for a young boy.

266
00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:07,540
Okay, let me just say
here that I love Jake

267
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,877
and I make it my business
to see that nothing goes on

268
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,245
in front of him that
is in any way inappropriate.

269
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:13,647
You tell him, Charlie.

270
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,384
And it's significantly
north of ten.

271
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:24,825
I think we can move on.

272
00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:26,827
Do you have
any more questions?

273
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:31,298
You are doing
very well.

274
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:33,100
Thanks.

275
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:36,636
Uh... Mr. Harper,
is it true that Jake saw

276
00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:39,006
a woman in
the shower with you?

277
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,108
Okay, yes.

278
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:44,778
Now, in that instance,
the door was closed,

279
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:50,150
he didn't knock,
and the door was closed...

280
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:52,519
And...

281
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:54,822
I'm sorry.
What was the question?

282
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,624
Woman in the shower.

283
00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:59,026
Don't help them.

284
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:01,995
And, most important,

285
00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,931
he didn't see
anything inappropriate.

286
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,499
Well, then,
what can you tell us

287
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:09,036
about this picture
that Jake drew?

288
00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:13,874
Okay, now...

289
00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:16,043
that's a totally different...

290
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,745
Whoa! Man!

291
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,715
Whoa-man. Woman.

292
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:25,518
She was in my kitchen

293
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:28,055
wearing a T-shirt,
and she reached up for some...

294
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,456
Uh-oh!

295
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,260
SpaghettiOs.

296
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:37,731
That... that's what
she was reaching for.

297
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:41,869
I'd like a moment to
confer with my witness.

298
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:46,673
You are making me so hot.

299
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:48,742
I see.

300
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:51,011
Look, Stuart,

301
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:54,381
we both know you're on a fishing
expedition here, right?

302
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:57,951
Well... maybe.

303
00:11:58,018 --> 00:11:59,319
Maybe?

304
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,754
You have no case.

305
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,990
This man is
a wonderful uncle.

306
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,792
He provides
a beautiful home.

307
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:06,093
And the last
time I looked,

308
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:07,928
it wasn't against
the law to be single

309
00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:10,063
in the United States of America.

310
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,065
Oh, God...

311
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:17,337
bless America.

312
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:20,073
Amen.

313
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:26,780
The good news is

314
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,448
your wife has given up
on the custody issue,

315
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:31,484
All right.
but we still need to finalize
the property settlement.

316
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:32,953
Now, aside from your books,

317
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:35,522
she's requested a few
other specific items.

318
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:36,389
Like what?

319
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,558
A massage chair.

320
00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,160
Oh, no. Oh, no. Forget it.

321
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:41,194
Forget it.

322
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,295
I love that chair.

323
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,631
That was the only
thing in my bedroom

324
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,499
that moved
when I touched it.

325
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:47,634
Don't worry, Alan.

326
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,436
I will get you
your chair.

327
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:50,670
I will get you
your books.

328
00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:52,873
I will fight for you,
I will win for you,

329
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:55,075
and I won't stop
until your wife
is squished

330
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:56,509
like a bug
on a windshield.

331
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:59,346
Okay, let's not lose sight
of the fact

332
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:02,149
that this bug
is the mother of my child.

333
00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:05,018
So let's just keep the squishing
to a minimum.

334
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,119
CHARLIE:
Don't worry.

335
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:07,921
You don't need
a bathing suit.

336
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:11,224
Once you're drunk,
the ocean's not cold at all.

337
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,492
Charlie.

338
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:13,526
Hey, Alan.

339
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,497
And Laura.

340
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,400
Hello, Laura.

341
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,536
I didn't know you were here.

342
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:24,504
Hi, Charlie.

343
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:25,672
Crystal.

344
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,540
Hey.

345
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:28,675
Oh, yeah.

346
00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:30,643
I guess you guys
know each other.

347
00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,545
( clears throat )

348
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:33,914
How's that flu?

349
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:36,516
Oh, um, it's better.

350
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:37,885
( coughing )

351
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,389
Hey, this calls for a drink.

352
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:43,957
A very large drink.

353
00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:50,030
Um, I'm not getting billed
for her time now, am I?

354
00:13:58,538 --> 00:13:59,272
Charlie.

355
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,608
Okay, I know
this is awkward,

356
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,943
but let's keep in mind

357
00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:05,345
we agreed that you and I
were just a casual deal.

358
00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:07,881
Two consenting adults,
no strings, no drama.

359
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:08,949
Charlie.

360
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,050
And I'm willing to admit

361
00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:11,684
that trying to boink
your assistant

362
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:13,486
might not have been...
Charlie.

363
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,222
Yeah?

364
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:16,656
Now.

365
00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:17,991
What?

366
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:22,029
I want you now.

367
00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:24,464
But see, now's really
not a good time.

368
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,766
I mean, you're working
with my brother,

369
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,601
and Crystal took
a sick day...

370
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:35,508
Okay, that's a good point.

371
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:38,378
Let me think this through.

372
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,582
All right, there's just one way
to make this work.

373
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:45,152
I don't do threesomes, Charlie.

374
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,587
Then I'm stumped.

375
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:48,755
What's going on?

376
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,390
Nothing. Not a thing.

377
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:53,026
Charlie, there's
no reason to lie.

378
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,427
Are you sure?

379
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,496
There usually is.

380
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,865
I'm a little upset
with your brother

381
00:14:58,932 --> 00:15:00,333
for getting involved
with my assistant.

382
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,070
It could be construed
as a breach of ethics.

383
00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:04,404
Nice going, Charlie.

384
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:06,339
This won't affect my case,
will it?

385
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,241
Of course not, Alan,
I'm a professional.

386
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:09,476
Listen,
if we're going to make it

387
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,344
to that settlement conference
on time,

388
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,981
maybe you should put
on a jacket and tie.

389
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:15,315
Nothing too nice.

390
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,316
Oh, you're good.

391
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,551
You think you can keep it
in your pants

392
00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:20,387
till I get my stuff back?

393
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:24,557
I'm trying harder
than you think.

394
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:27,694
Okay, we've got 15 minutes.

395
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,096
Where do you want to do this?

396
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:31,098
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, hold on.

397
00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:36,203
It's not that I'm not into
risky, semipublic sex,

398
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:40,607
it's just that I'm starting
to resent your attitude.

399
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:42,542
Charlie, we have a deal.

400
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:47,347
Okay, Laura, look, uh...

401
00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:51,351
I only went along with that
because you're hot

402
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:55,322
and took little to no effort
on my part.

403
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:59,159
Just make yourself at home,
Crystal.

404
00:15:59,226 --> 00:16:02,529
That's the ocean.

405
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:09,236
Anyway, uh, I think
we might be done here.

406
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,870
You're dumping me?

407
00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:12,105
Yep.

408
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:14,407
Now.

409
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:19,579
You're going to be very sorry,
Charlie Harper.

410
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:27,587
Yeah, girls have been using
that tired old line on me

411
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,522
since the fifth grade.

412
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:35,228
Okay, the next item
is the rare book collection

413
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,929
appraised at $12,000.

414
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,866
Actually, our appraisers
came in at $16,500.

415
00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,468
Yeah.

416
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:42,669
Enjoy them.

417
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:47,974
What?

418
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:49,809
I was only asking for half.

419
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:51,511
Why break up a collection?

420
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:53,046
Okay, what's next?

421
00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,314
Well, I understand
there's a dispute

422
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:55,848
over the massage chair.

423
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,150
Not anymore. We concede.

424
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,385
What do you mean
we concede?

425
00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:00,153
We're not here for conceding.

426
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:01,988
We're here for fighting
and winning

427
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:03,290
and squishing, remember?

428
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:04,924
Alan, I know what I'm doing.

429
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:08,027
Okay, moving on
to the retirement fund.

430
00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:09,129
Take it.
Take it?

431
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,797
Take it.
I'll take it.

432
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,699
Are you out of your mind?!

433
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,501
Okay, what else would you like?

434
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:15,568
What else?!

435
00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:18,505
Judith, for God's sake,

436
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:22,075
remember there was a time
when you loved me.

437
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:40,527
Oh, cool.

438
00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,497
Hey, that was quick.

439
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:48,568
Yeah, like every other time
Judith screwed me.

440
00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:53,573
What happened?

441
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,608
What happened?
I'll tell you what happened.

442
00:17:55,675 --> 00:18:00,113
My settlement conference turned
into a drive-by colonoscopy.

443
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:02,649
Ouch.

444
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:05,852
Charlie, have you ever heard
of a divorce agreement

445
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,354
that requires the ex-husband

446
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:10,089
to pay the ex-wife's
dry cleaning for life?

447
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:11,391
Wow.

448
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:13,025
Yeah, not just clothes.

449
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:18,565
Drapes, rugs, slipcovers...

450
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:20,267
even suede.

451
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:23,870
Sounds like she really took you
to the cleaners, huh?

452
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:26,839
Sorry.

453
00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:30,443
So, I... I fired Laura
and tore up the agreement.

454
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,345
I'm going to have
to find a new attorney

455
00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:34,046
and just start all over.

456
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,081
Oh, good then.

457
00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:36,549
No harm, no foul.

458
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:40,387
Except for the thousands
of dollars of extra legal fees.

459
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,822
Oh, yeah, that's gonna sting
a little, huh?

460
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,225
Not as much as having to buy
Judith's parents

461
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,826
a retirement condo
in Boca Raton.

462
00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:49,696
She didn't even ask for that.

463
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:51,864
Laura just threw it in.

464
00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:53,633
Lawyers.

465
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:57,136
But you know
what the interesting thing is?

466
00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:58,738
No, what?

467
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,173
After it was all over

468
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:04,577
and Judith and her attorney
went dancing out of the room,

469
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,347
I asked Laura
why she had done this to me,

470
00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:12,885
and she said, and I quote,
"Ask your brother."

471
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:19,692
So, here I am asking you--

472
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,761
Why, Charlie?

473
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,432
Why did my very expensive

474
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:28,501
Beverly Hills divorce lawyer
sell me out?

475
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:29,702
( sighs, clears throat )

476
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:32,405
Okay, okay.

477
00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:35,041
I'll tell you
the whole story.

478
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,544
But maybe you should
sit down first.

479
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:55,622
* Men... *