1 00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:03,437 But I don't wanna go to summer camp! 2 00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:04,672 Are you kidding? You'll have a great time. 3 00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:06,074 Look at this one. 4 00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:07,741 It's a computer camp with a theater program. 5 00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:08,809 Ethernet by day, 6 00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,744 "No, No, Nanette" by night. 7 00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:14,415 I don't want to go to camp. 8 00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:16,117 If the kid doesn't want to go, don't make him go. 9 00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:17,085 Yeah. He's ten. 10 00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:18,686 He's old enough to work. 11 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:19,987 What? 12 00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:22,456 When I was your age, I spent my summers 13 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,358 hosing tarantulas off bananas 14 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,927 in the back of my stepfather's truck. 15 00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:28,028 Hey, what's going on? 16 00:00:28,096 --> 00:00:30,531 I'm going to camp. 17 00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:31,765 Okay. 18 00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:32,933 Morning, all. 19 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,202 Beautiful day. 20 00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:36,204 You're in a good mood. 21 00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:37,938 Well, I suppose I am. 22 00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:40,174 I got a little e-mail this morning 23 00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:44,011 from an ex-girlfriend who says she needs to "see" me. 24 00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:45,446 No kidding. 25 00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:47,648 I wonder if she's "knocked up." 26 00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:50,017 Nobody's knocked up. 27 00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:52,686 I haven't heard from her in five years. 28 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:55,022 So she's bringing you a four-year-old. 29 00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:57,791 Believe me, nobody's bringing anything. 30 00:00:57,858 --> 00:00:59,227 Remember Jill? 31 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:00,561 Jill the slob? 32 00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:04,064 Yeah, but do you remember how hot she was? 33 00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:06,134 Yeah, well, sure, she was a tight unit, 34 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,868 but she left dirty dishes everywhere. 35 00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:09,103 Swear to God, 36 00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,939 this broad left half-eaten casseroles 37 00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,407 in the bathtub. 38 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,108 So? 39 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:15,576 With a body like that 40 00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:18,078 she could drink out of the toilet if she wanted to. 41 00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:19,447 Wait a minute. 42 00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,782 Isn't she the one who dumped you? 43 00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:23,417 Somebody dumped Charlie? 44 00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:24,952 Broke his little black heart. 45 00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:26,254 It was pathetic. 46 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,189 She didn't dump me. 47 00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:29,657 She had personal problems 48 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:32,393 and moved to Europe to, you know, find herself. 49 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:33,461 Berta? 50 00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:34,094 He wept. 51 00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,730 I did not. 52 00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:38,632 I felt the appropriate amount of sadness 53 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,768 for a good relationship that had run its course. 54 00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:44,272 I had to carry him to bed three nights in a row. 55 00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:47,275 I was perfectly happy sleeping under the deck. 56 00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:50,444 You bring her home, you clean up after her. 57 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,646 Thank God you never get any. 58 00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:16,704 Hey. 59 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:19,173 Hey. 60 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,008 What can I get for you? 61 00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:23,177 White wine, please. 62 00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,012 Maybe a Chablis. 63 00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:27,014 You know, uh, make it a beer. 64 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,482 Light beer. 65 00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:31,585 Just a beer. 66 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,187 Another one? 67 00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:34,455 Might as well. 68 00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:37,491 Looks like I'm getting stood up. 69 00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,694 Chicks, huh? 70 00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:42,930 Maybe she's got a good reason. 71 00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,667 I'll tell you what, if it were any other woman 72 00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:48,836 I'd have been out of here an hour ago. 73 00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:49,570 Really? 74 00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:50,671 Oh, yeah. 75 00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:53,674 This girl... this girl is something different. 76 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,546 How so? 77 00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,415 Well, did you ever go out with somebody 78 00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:03,551 who was not only great in bed 79 00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:06,086 but also like a really cool friend? 80 00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:09,457 Yeah, once. 81 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:10,924 In fact, now that I think about it, 82 00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:13,927 the friendship was the best part of our relationship. 83 00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,596 No kidding. 84 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:18,766 Yeah, the sex was a little weird. 85 00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:25,273 We would, like, wrestle to get on top. 86 00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:30,411 She would actually get angry if she wasn't up there. 87 00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:34,615 Maybe she had a good reason. 88 00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:37,184 Maybe. 89 00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:40,288 Charlie, look at me. 90 00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:46,794 Okay, how do you know my name? 91 00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:48,929 It's me. 92 00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:51,599 Me, who? 93 00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:01,975 No... 94 00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:05,713 Yes. 95 00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:08,148 Jill? 96 00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,784 Bill. 97 00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,590 No... 98 00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:19,793 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 99 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:21,862 * Men... * 100 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,067 We're gonna need two shots of tequila. 101 00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,201 That's okay. I don't want... 102 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,770 They're not for you. 103 00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:32,773 Wow, this girl you're waiting for really must be something. 104 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,443 Just serve the hooch and mind your own business. 105 00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,645 Listen, Charlie, I know... 106 00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:38,746 Hang on. 107 00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,618 Okay, go. 108 00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:47,421 I know this comes as a shock to you. 109 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,990 Please, if I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, 110 00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:52,793 disappeared for five years and came back as a guy, 111 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,762 I'd have a nickel! 112 00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:57,465 Keep 'em coming. 113 00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:59,967 I think I owe you an explanation. 114 00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,702 Who pays the nickel, by the way? 115 00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:04,405 Is it you or just out of some general fund? 116 00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,740 Charlie... 117 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,343 Yeah? 118 00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:11,579 Remember when we broke up, 119 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:14,915 and I said it's not you, it's me? 120 00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,456 Yes. And I believe you now. 121 00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:27,961 I was so mixed up and unhappy as a woman. 122 00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:30,230 So? I know lots of mixed-up, unhappy women. 123 00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:31,932 They go shopping and eat ice cream. 124 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:33,967 Did you even try that? 125 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,068 I tried everything, Charlie. 126 00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:36,570 But the truth is, 127 00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,672 I was always a man trapped in a woman's body. 128 00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:40,073 No, no, no. No, no, no. 129 00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:41,442 No, I'm not buying this. 130 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:42,910 No. If you were really a man back then 131 00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,645 you would have jumped at that three-way 132 00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:46,680 with the cocktail waitress in Carmel. 133 00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:50,484 I begged you. 134 00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:52,119 You haven't changed. 135 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,354 Wish I could say the same. 136 00:05:54,422 --> 00:05:57,525 Charlie, how could I have explained it to you back then? 137 00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,727 I couldn't even explain it to myself. 138 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,762 Okay, well, now you've explained. 139 00:06:01,829 --> 00:06:03,564 Thank you. 140 00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:05,433 Nice to see you again. 141 00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:07,100 Good luck with the penis. 142 00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:10,370 Charlie... Wait. 143 00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:15,275 A few minutes ago, you said I was a really cool friend. 144 00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:18,111 Uh, yeah. 145 00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:19,547 Well, I'm back in L.A., 146 00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:21,882 and I'm kind of starting a new life. 147 00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,551 Uh-huh. 148 00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:25,819 And I could really use a friend. 149 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,721 Oh, boy. 150 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:31,559 It's just, you know, I'm completely alone, 151 00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:35,395 and I'm... I'm really scared. 152 00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:39,399 Aw, jeez. 153 00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:43,637 It's going to be okay, Jill. 154 00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,906 Bill. 155 00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:47,775 Yeah, Bill, whatever. 156 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,943 It's okay. 157 00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,545 I'm still your friend. 158 00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:54,715 Oh, Charlie, you're the best. 159 00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:59,286 I wish I could've loved you 160 00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:01,154 the way you deserve to be loved. 161 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,792 * Men... * 162 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,628 Thanks for the ride, Bill. 163 00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:09,663 You're a good friend. 164 00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:11,632 Hey, you called me "Bill." 165 00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:14,234 Well, that's your name, lady. 166 00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:15,503 Just like old times, huh? 167 00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:19,540 Drag your drunk-ass home, take you upstairs, 168 00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:22,776 get you undressed and... 169 00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:27,881 Hey. 170 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:28,882 Oh, Alan. 171 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,552 You never met my brother, Alan, did you? 172 00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:34,421 No, I never met anyone in your family, Charlie. 173 00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,557 Yeah, well, different rules now. 174 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,559 Bill, this is my brother, Alan. 175 00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:41,294 Alan, this is my old... friend, Bill. 176 00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:42,229 Nice to meet you, Bill. 177 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,396 Same here. 178 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,732 I thought you were going to hook up 179 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,967 with that old girlfriend who wanted to "see" you. 180 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:49,770 Oh, right. 181 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:55,676 Turns out she changed her... "mind." 182 00:07:56,777 --> 00:08:01,815 Anyway, I ran into my old friend Bill here. 183 00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:08,388 So, uh, stood up by Jill, ran into Bill. 184 00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:09,557 That's funny. 185 00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:13,160 You have a sick sense of humor, Alan. 186 00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:14,562 The house is clean. 187 00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:15,896 I'm going home now. 188 00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,731 I'll pick that up on Monday. 189 00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:19,867 Sorry, that's mine. 190 00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:26,707 Hi. 191 00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:29,943 Hi. 192 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,783 Okay, I'm outta here. 193 00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,694 So, Bill, uh, you from around here? 194 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,729 I was, but I moved away for a couple years. 195 00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:51,231 Now I'm planning on moving back, and buying a place. 196 00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:52,733 Hello. 197 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:56,704 Evelyn Harper, Evelyn Harper Real Estate. 198 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:59,272 Oh, yeah, Mom's here. 199 00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:02,643 No problem. I'm drunk. 200 00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:03,744 I'm Bill Shraeder. 201 00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:05,078 I'm a friend of Charlie's. 202 00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:06,714 No need to apologize. 203 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:10,083 So, are you interested in renting or buying? 204 00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:11,018 Buying. 205 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:12,119 Excellent. 206 00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:13,453 Price range? 207 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:14,655 I'm flexible. 208 00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,757 I'll bet you are. 209 00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:19,126 But I was talking money. 210 00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:20,460 Well, so was I. 211 00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:24,097 Ooh, sexy and liquid. 212 00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:27,100 I like that in a man. 213 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,268 Nice guy. 214 00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,837 Poker buddy? 215 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,872 Used to. 216 00:09:33,473 --> 00:09:35,075 And don't call me "buddy." 217 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,650 There it is. 218 00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,018 Well, thank you so much 219 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,287 for showing me the condos, Evelyn. 220 00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:48,588 Thank you for dinner, Bill. 221 00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:51,759 Thank you for dessert. 222 00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:58,098 Shall we go to my place for coffee and cigars? 223 00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,032 I don't smoke. 224 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,635 You will when I'm done with you. 225 00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:08,075 Oh, my God. 226 00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:11,611 He's, like, half her age. 227 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:16,116 Yeah, that's the problem. 228 00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:18,385 * Men... * 229 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:21,621 I am trying, Charlie. 230 00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:23,657 I-I am trying to be open-minded, but our mom 231 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:24,925 with a guy who's younger than us-- 232 00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:27,761 It-it's just freaking me out. 233 00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:29,162 Trust me, Alan. 234 00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:32,532 Very soon, you're going to be looking back 235 00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:35,168 on this moment with fond nostalgia. 236 00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,436 What do you mean? 237 00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:37,570 Look. 238 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,306 Who's this? 239 00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:40,573 This is Jill. 240 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,075 Oh, the-the woman who dumped you? 241 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,211 Get over that. Nobody dumped me. 242 00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:45,612 All right, I'm sorry. 243 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,180 Um, why are we looking at Jill? 244 00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:48,816 Just look at it. 245 00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:51,952 Okay. She's cute. 246 00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:54,955 Very tall... broad shoulders... 247 00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:57,357 Holy mother of God! 248 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,430 Welcome to the Matrix. 249 00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:07,200 So-so-so-so, Jill is-is-is... 250 00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,235 Yep. 251 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:12,472 And-and-and-and you and-and Jill used to... 252 00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:15,342 Every chance we got. 253 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:18,245 And-and-and Mom is... 254 00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:20,180 At this very moment. 255 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,416 Holy mother of God! 256 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,853 What are you guys yelling about? 257 00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,187 Go to bed. Go to bed. Go to bed. 258 00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:31,624 Do you realize what this means? 259 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:35,963 Yes. I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man... 260 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:39,900 or... I slept with a man in a woman's body... 261 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:42,235 or-- and this is my new favorite, 262 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,404 and the title of my autobiography-- 263 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:46,974 my mom and I slept with the same dude. 264 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:54,414 Ex-ex-excuse me, could we just we table that for now 265 00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:58,051 and discuss how this impacts on our mother? 266 00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,220 Why? The damage has been done. 267 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,255 All that's left to do now 268 00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,991 is drink until the part of the brain 269 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,093 that creates mental pictures is dead. 270 00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:08,295 No, Charlie, stay with me. 271 00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:10,998 Do you think I'm gay? 272 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:14,567 For God's sake, Charlie, this is not about you! 273 00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:17,037 I like musical theater. 274 00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:20,407 Maybe all these years, 275 00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,409 I've been pathologically chasing women 276 00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,411 because I've been overcompensating. 277 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,915 You know, I've often thought that. 278 00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:32,920 What?! I'm agreeing with you. What do you want to hear? 279 00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:34,955 I want you to tell me that there is no chance 280 00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:36,790 that either of us will ever have to call 281 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:40,260 a woman I slept with "Daddy." 282 00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,841 Jill the slob. 283 00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:05,185 Uh... gadzooks. 284 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,089 Morning. 285 00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:10,123 Morning. 286 00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:12,325 Morning. 287 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:15,963 Morning. 288 00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:20,233 So, how was your weekend? 289 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,335 Fine. Okay. 290 00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:25,638 Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie? 291 00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:27,307 Like what? 292 00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:28,942 Oh, I don't know. 293 00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,912 Go to a fun party? See a great movie? 294 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:34,447 Run into an old flame with a new wick? 295 00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,021 What are the odds, huh? 296 00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:44,824 One brother turns 'em gay; the other turns 'em guy. 297 00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:47,861 If you don't mind, Berta, I'd rather not talk about it. 298 00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:50,063 Okay. 299 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:51,965 I'll fix you something to eat. 300 00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:55,235 How 'bout a sausage link and a couple eggs? 301 00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:57,905 EVELYN: Hello, anybody home? 302 00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:00,140 Oh, no. Oh, no. 303 00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:02,042 Charlie, 304 00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:05,545 I need to talk to you about your friend Bill. 305 00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:06,579 Oh, boy. 306 00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:08,515 Oh, boy! 307 00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:12,619 You know, I-I'd really rather not discuss this 308 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,387 in front of the help. 309 00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:16,924 Uh, Berta, could you give us some privacy? 310 00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:18,491 Hell, no. 311 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:21,494 Sorry. 312 00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:25,933 Um... 313 00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:31,471 Bill and I shared something very special 314 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,773 this weekend. 315 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,875 I realize 316 00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:37,978 that might be awkward for you, 317 00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:40,680 so I thought I'd come by to discuss it. 318 00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:42,950 Well, that's nice, Mom. 319 00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:44,217 Isn't that nice, Alan? 320 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,253 Um, you're the expert, Charlie. 321 00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:49,222 Is it too early to start drinking? 322 00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:50,991 What is that supposed to mean? 323 00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:53,060 Mom, uh... 324 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:56,763 how much do you know about Bill? 325 00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:57,965 Charlie, 326 00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:00,100 I have no doubt that you two shared 327 00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,469 some sordid adventures together, 328 00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:04,304 but that's the past. 329 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,140 The only thing that matters 330 00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:09,276 to me now is that Bill is a handsome, 331 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:11,678 sensitive, wonderful man. 332 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,680 ( giggling ) 333 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,448 Excuse me? 334 00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:18,318 Nothing. I'm just happy to be here. 335 00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:22,455 Frankly, Mom, I am a little uncomfortable with this. 336 00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:25,225 A little? I think I'm having a stroke. 337 00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:28,996 I knew it. 338 00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:30,363 You hypocrites. 339 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,498 It's perfectly 340 00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:33,766 all right for you to date younger women, 341 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:37,104 but when a mature woman gets involved with a younger man, 342 00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:40,140 somehow it's scandalous and immoral. 343 00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:41,975 No, no, no, Mom, it's not the age. 344 00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,310 Well, what then? 345 00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:45,745 Because he's your friend? 346 00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:48,615 I didn't object when you dated that friend of mine. 347 00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:49,682 You what? 348 00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:51,118 One time. I was 19, 349 00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:53,987 and she was a very doable 42. 350 00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,923 And if you heard how she talked about you, 351 00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:58,491 you wouldn't call her a friend. 352 00:15:58,558 --> 00:15:59,592 I've heard enough. 353 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,661 I'm going to continue to see Bill, 354 00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:04,864 and if you don't like it, that's just too bad. 355 00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,466 Wait, wait, wait, Mom. 356 00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:09,002 I-I-I thought you came here so that we could discuss it. 357 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,437 Oh, please, I came here to brag. 358 00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:13,373 I just needed an opening line. 359 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,608 Wow. 360 00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:17,144 She doesn't know. 361 00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,978 Yeah, well, someone's going to have to tell her. 362 00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:19,979 BERTA: Charlie? 363 00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:21,048 What? 364 00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:22,449 I will clean your house free 365 00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:25,252 for a month if you let me do it. 366 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,792 Come on, it is a little funny. 367 00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:34,094 I mean, when we were dating, 368 00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:36,096 you never wanted me to meet your mom. 369 00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,834 Maybe not so much funny as ironic. 370 00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:44,037 Look, Jill, Bill... 371 00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:45,305 You're angry with me. 372 00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:49,542 Not angry. Not thrilled. 373 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:52,011 Charlie, I never planned for this to happen. 374 00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:54,214 I mean, your mom and I just hit it off. 375 00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:57,384 She's-she's beautiful, intelligent, self-assured, 376 00:16:57,450 --> 00:17:02,055 and, man, she's just exploding with this raw sexuality. 377 00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:05,758 Whoa, whoa, whoa... listen, fella. 378 00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:08,095 Uh, I don't know what they told you in orientation, 379 00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:11,264 but... rule number one: 380 00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,933 when a guy talks like that about another guy's mom, 381 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,902 he's likely to get his ass kicked. 382 00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:17,270 Oh, come on, Charlie, please. 383 00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:18,738 Don't-don't get all macho on me. 384 00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:22,309 You couldn't take me when I was a girl. 385 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,610 Don't change the subject. 386 00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:25,245 We're talking about you and my mother. 387 00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:26,213 Why haven't you told her? 388 00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:27,747 Told her what? 389 00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:31,118 That you're lactose-intolerant. What do you think?! 390 00:17:31,184 --> 00:17:32,285 Stop yelling at me. 391 00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:33,153 I'm not yelling at you! 392 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,655 Yes, you are! 393 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,092 Okay, I'm sorry. 394 00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:41,694 Look, you need to understand that 395 00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:43,596 no matter how much I hate my mother, 396 00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,898 I love my mother, and I don't want to see her get hurt... 397 00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:49,269 so you got to tell her before she finds out the hard way... 398 00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:53,240 ...or whatever way she finds out. 399 00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:56,443 But what if she rejects me? 400 00:17:56,509 --> 00:18:00,012 Well, welcome to the rodeo, Calamity Jane. 401 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,214 You want to be a real man? 402 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,015 Grab hold of those store-bought balls 403 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,517 and just tell the truth. 404 00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:08,188 You're right. 405 00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:14,861 We still friends? 406 00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:17,830 Yeah. Sure. 407 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,369 I'm glad. 408 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:24,471 They're made out of Teflon, you know. 409 00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:27,807 Okay, 410 00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:30,377 rule number two... 411 00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,812 BERTA: What'd I miss? 412 00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:35,114 Nothing. I don't think he's told her yet. 413 00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,949 Hey, what are you doing here? 414 00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:38,518 You finished cleaning hours ago. 415 00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:39,952 I took a nap in the laundry room 416 00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:41,888 so I'd be fresh for the big show. 417 00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:46,058 Okay... 418 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,794 I think he's going for it. 419 00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:03,142 Wow. That went surprisingly well. 420 00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:05,278 Well, damn. 421 00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:09,716 Wait a minute. What's he doing? 422 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:28,235 There you go. 423 00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:29,936 See you tomorrow. 424 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,739 * Men. * 425 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:43,082 Okay, uh, we'll make a list. 426 00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:44,717 The, uh, the pros... and cons 427 00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:47,354 of continuing your relationship with Bill. 428 00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:50,189 Mom? 429 00:19:50,257 --> 00:19:52,859 Well, uh... he certainly understands women. 430 00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:56,396 O-Okay, that's, uh, that's a pro. 431 00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:59,198 He used to be a woman! 432 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,369 I'll put con. 433 00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:07,274 Uh... he slept with Charlie when he was a woman. 434 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:11,210 Pro. No, wait, con. Definitely con. 435 00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,212 He knows what I like in bed. 436 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,382 He knows what I like in bed! 437 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:20,353 We'll call that a wash. 438 00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:21,821 What's the score? 439 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,356 Uh, it's about even. 440 00:20:25,124 --> 00:20:26,726 He's gorgeous. 441 00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:30,029 He can afford beachfront property, 442 00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:32,932 and he's got a trunk full of fabulous shoes 443 00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,934 that fit me perfectly. 444 00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:36,336 Don't wait up. 445 00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:38,638 Mommy's got a date.