1 00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:03,937 MAN ( on TV ): The kick is up. 2 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,473 It's long enough. 3 00:00:05,539 --> 00:00:07,075 It's no good. 4 00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:08,109 Yes! Yes! 5 00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:09,310 ( laughs ) Yes! 6 00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:09,910 Yeah! 7 00:00:09,977 --> 00:00:11,112 Who won? 8 00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:12,646 Who cares? We covered the spread. 9 00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:16,317 Charlie, call me an old-fashioned dad, 10 00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:19,120 but I was hoping my son wouldn't start betting on sports 11 00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:21,689 until he was old enough to have a drinking problem. 12 00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,391 He didn't make a bet. 13 00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:25,393 I just gave him a taste of my action. 14 00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:29,063 Nor do I want him tasting your action. 15 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:32,500 Dad, without action, there's no juice. 16 00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:35,103 All of a sudden, he's Frank Sinatra. 17 00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:36,270 ( doorbell rings ) 18 00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:37,638 I'll bet that's the pizza. 19 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:38,606 What's the spread? 20 00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:40,308 Pepperoni. 21 00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:42,743 What's next, Charlie? 22 00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,545 You going to teach him how to shoot craps? 23 00:00:44,612 --> 00:00:46,280 He already knows how to shoot craps. 24 00:00:46,347 --> 00:00:48,716 I just wish I could teach him not to bet the hard eight. 25 00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:51,085 Hey, Mr. Harper. Here you go. 26 00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:52,553 Nice and hot. 27 00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:54,788 I threw in some extra garlic puffs as well. 28 00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:56,090 Thanks, pal. 29 00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,425 Thank you, Mr. Harper. 30 00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:58,926 If there's anything you ever need, 31 00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:00,194 anything at all, please call. 32 00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:01,995 You know, pizza, dry cleaning, 33 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,397 ( quietly ): pot, women. 34 00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:06,800 How much do you tip him? 35 00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,469 I don't know. I gave him a 50. 36 00:01:08,536 --> 00:01:10,738 That's... that's like a 300% tip. 37 00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:11,939 If you say so. 38 00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,474 I was never good at math. 39 00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:15,809 Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, 40 00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:17,010 the over-under and the vigorish 41 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,646 on every football game in the country. 42 00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:19,813 What can I tell you? 43 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,416 I've got a beautiful mind. 44 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:25,219 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * 45 00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:27,355 * Men... * 46 00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:33,994 Morning, Berta. 47 00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:35,463 Need some help? 48 00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:37,998 Yeah, come to my house and explain to my daughter 49 00:01:38,065 --> 00:01:39,367 that we don't put up bail 50 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:43,036 for cute guys with Costa Rican passports. 51 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,205 Morning. 52 00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:45,639 I got your groceries, Charlie. 53 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:46,907 You owe me $74. 54 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,509 Why didn't you just use my credit card? 55 00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:50,211 I tried. 56 00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:53,281 Funny story. 57 00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,150 My platinum card. 58 00:01:56,217 --> 00:02:00,254 Look what they did to my platinum card. 59 00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:05,193 They decapitated my holographic eagle. 60 00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,694 Yeah, yeah, that's sad. 61 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:07,928 You owe me 74 bucks. 62 00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:09,363 Relax. I'll write you a check. 63 00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:10,398 Uh-uh. 64 00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:14,268 Berta, I'm good for $74. 65 00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,103 Well, there's an assistant store manager 66 00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,738 with bad skins and pair of scissors 67 00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:19,039 who begs to differ. 68 00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:20,308 Well, he obviously made a mistake. 69 00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:22,343 Leave it to me, I'll straighten it out. 70 00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:26,380 Alan, what do I do? 71 00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:29,082 Uh, call the bank that issued the card 72 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,518 and figure out what's going on. 73 00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:32,886 Good idea. 74 00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:35,789 How do I get the number? 75 00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,791 Uh, it's usually on the back of the card. 76 00:02:42,296 --> 00:02:45,199 Okay, now, this may take a while. 77 00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:50,070 Are you sure? 78 00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:52,139 Okay. Thanks. 79 00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:53,474 I don't believe it. 80 00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:56,910 None of my bills have been paid in four months. 81 00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:57,978 My credit is shot. 82 00:02:58,045 --> 00:02:59,280 All my cards are dead. 83 00:02:59,347 --> 00:03:00,514 Well, you don't have to worry 84 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:02,216 about paying me this week, Charlie. 85 00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:04,218 Thank you, Berta. 86 00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:06,186 I'll just take this espresso maker 87 00:03:06,254 --> 00:03:07,888 and be on my way. 88 00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,523 Call me when things pick up. 89 00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,594 Charlie, why haven't you been paying your bills? 90 00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:14,928 Alan, I don't pay my own bills. 91 00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:16,364 I've got a guy. 92 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,732 Do you think you might want to call your guy? 93 00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,200 Hey, don't talk down to me, Alan. 94 00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:21,369 I'm not stupid. 95 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:22,870 That's the first call I made. 96 00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:24,605 And...? And... 97 00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:28,942 his number is not in service at this time. 98 00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:36,250 Wonderful building. 99 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:37,518 What's wrong with it? 100 00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:40,053 Well, the phrase, "reeks of urine" 101 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,889 comes to mind. 102 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,229 Here we are. 103 00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:52,733 That's seldom a good sign. 104 00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:56,537 Hello? Stan? 105 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,906 MAN: Who wants to know? 106 00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:00,474 Charlie Harper. 107 00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:02,543 Charlie! 108 00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:03,877 Hey, it's good to see you. 109 00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:05,245 Come on in. 110 00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:06,780 Just don't rip the tape-- they check. 111 00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:09,917 So, what's going on? 112 00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:11,151 What can I do you for? 113 00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:12,586 Well, Stan, I got a problem. 114 00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:15,289 Yeah, I know the feeling. 115 00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:16,790 Well, sit down. 116 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,292 Talk to me, huh. 117 00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,295 All of my credit cards are dead. 118 00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:24,231 And they tell me the bills haven't been paid 119 00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:25,499 in four months. 120 00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:28,836 Yeah, that sounds about right. 121 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,205 Uh, excuse me. 122 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,541 Maybe this is none of my business, 123 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,343 but how does something like that happen? 124 00:04:35,409 --> 00:04:37,244 Well, in layman's terms... 125 00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:38,979 your brother ran out of money. 126 00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:40,080 What? 127 00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:41,214 How did I run out of money? 128 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,584 Oh, I knew you'd ask that. 129 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:47,688 Let me demonstrate. 130 00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:49,222 Think of this water as cash flow, 131 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:50,991 which for you would be, you know, 132 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,259 royalties from your jingles. 133 00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:53,727 Right? 134 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:57,331 And, uh, and this cup: your financial well-being. 135 00:04:58,366 --> 00:05:01,535 This little hole... 136 00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:03,203 would be your expenses. 137 00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:04,338 Right? 138 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,739 You dig? Okay. 139 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:12,179 Now, Charlie, with most people, when money comes in, 140 00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,314 it drips out 141 00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:17,718 and pays their bills with a healthy reserve 142 00:05:17,785 --> 00:05:19,553 for emergencies. 143 00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:22,189 See? 144 00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,692 But with you, however-- 145 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,660 this is what I love about you, Charlie... 146 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:31,765 ...you... 147 00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:37,337 ...you spend it as quick as you get it. 148 00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:39,740 You see, you don't drip. 149 00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:43,944 You hemorrhage. 150 00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:47,848 Whoo-ee! Huh. 151 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,049 Look at that. 152 00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:53,654 But when the cash flow starts to slow down... 153 00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:56,990 there's no reserve! 154 00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,125 Okay. 155 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:01,495 But what happened to my money? 156 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:03,597 Artists, huh. 157 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:06,366 Where would we be without them? 158 00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,001 What I don't understand 159 00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:11,071 is why you didn't warn him this was happening. 160 00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:13,006 Okay, okay, mea culpa. 161 00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:16,076 Look, I've been a little distracted lately. 162 00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:18,245 Slight problem with the Feds. 163 00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:20,414 Are you embezzling from my brother? 164 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:22,149 Embezzle what? 165 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,417 Hello! 166 00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:27,354 I thought you were the smart one. 167 00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:30,190 No, this is a... a-a totally unrelated 168 00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:31,825 import-export problem. 169 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:32,960 All right? 170 00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:35,596 I just cannot believe one of the piñatas 171 00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:38,398 actually showed up at a kid's party. 172 00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:41,168 Oh, boy. 173 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:44,037 This has been a blast-- don't get me wrong-- 174 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:47,374 but I have-I have a plane to catch right now so, uh... 175 00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:49,510 Hey, I'll tell you what. 176 00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:50,778 Just feel free, 177 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,246 and browse through all your files. 178 00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:54,948 And listen, Charlie, 179 00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:56,717 I'm running a little short on cash. 180 00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:59,352 So maybe you-- look who I'm asking! 181 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,454 Look who I'm asking! 182 00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,923 It was great meeting you, sport. 183 00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:04,592 Ciao. 184 00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,768 And you were worried. 185 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:25,813 Well, the good news is that a substantial amount of royalties 186 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,081 is going to come in in the next couple of months. 187 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,349 Great. 188 00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,351 Problem solved. Let's go out to dinner. 189 00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:33,086 No. Problem not solved. 190 00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,021 But I'm hungry. 191 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:35,789 Get used to it. 192 00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,158 It's going to take a while 193 00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:40,961 to pay off all the bills your accountant ignored. 194 00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:43,230 So, until then, you're going to have to cut back. 195 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,665 But you said I got money coming. 196 00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:46,934 Shall I go get the paper cup? 197 00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:50,871 Okay. What do we cut? 198 00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:52,706 Well, let's look at your expenses. 199 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,308 First thing is, we stop paying your accountant. 200 00:07:55,375 --> 00:07:57,578 That's a little cold, isn't it? 201 00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:00,413 He's a great guy. I've known him for years. 202 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,782 He's just going through a rough patch. 203 00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:02,750 Charlie, you're broke. 204 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,918 You're right-- screw him. 205 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,086 What's next? 206 00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:07,154 Um, you have a gardener. 207 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,388 Why do you have a gardener? 208 00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,891 To tend my garden. 209 00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:12,059 Garden? 210 00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:14,528 You mean the two potted palms on the deck? 211 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,697 Water them yourself. 212 00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:19,299 Okay, but I'm going to have to buy a hose 213 00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:21,401 and one of those watering things, 214 00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:23,336 so isn't that kind of a push? 215 00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:25,038 Gone. 216 00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:27,507 Ultimate Premiere Satellite package? 217 00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:28,709 Oh, that's really cool. 218 00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:30,578 I get every sporting event in the world. 219 00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:33,413 If a kid in Madagascar throws a rock at a tree, 220 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,282 I can see it and bet on it. 221 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,818 It's gone. 222 00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:38,886 Oh, man. 223 00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:40,754 We can keep the cable though, right? 224 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,289 You have satellite and cable? 225 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,758 Sometimes there's solar flares. 226 00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:47,127 Okay, you can cut back to basic cable. 227 00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:48,195 Basic cable? 228 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:51,064 That's what they get in prison. 229 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,702 Hey, whatcha doing? 230 00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,236 Bad time, Rose. 231 00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:58,305 Money problems, huh? 232 00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,973 How did you know? 233 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:00,741 I bought your espresso maker from Berta. 234 00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:02,342 I got a great deal 235 00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:04,277 'cause she didn't want to carry it on the bus. 236 00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:06,046 ( sighs ) 237 00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,114 Wonderful. 238 00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:10,383 Charlie, miscellaneous cash expenses? 239 00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:11,652 What exactly is that? 240 00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,020 I don't know. 241 00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:16,056 Go see a movie, buy a hot dog, stuff like that. 242 00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:19,392 It was $80,000 last year. 243 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,394 Oh, that. 244 00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:23,263 That's women and gambling. 245 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,433 Gone and gone. 246 00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:27,701 Oh, great. 247 00:09:27,768 --> 00:09:29,837 Why don't I just shoot myself? 248 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,772 You can't afford a gun. 249 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,342 You know, I could lend you some money, Charlie. 250 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:36,744 That's very sweet, Rose, 251 00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:38,612 but I don't really want to shoot myself. 252 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,080 Charlie, the way I see it, 253 00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:42,182 you're either going to have to slash expenses 254 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,584 or find the money to pay your bills someplace else. 255 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,219 Okay. 256 00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:48,055 I'll borrow on the house. 257 00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,389 You've already got three mortgages. 258 00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:50,423 Is that a lot? 259 00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:52,025 Not if you have three houses. 260 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,895 Let me ask you a tough question. 261 00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:59,166 What would you think about going to Mom for a short-term loan? 262 00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:01,201 Hmm, interesting idea. 263 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,469 Mm. 264 00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:05,105 I think I'd rather have a pack of hyenas 265 00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:07,374 tear out and devour my intestines. 266 00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:10,310 Yeah, I know, I know. 267 00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:11,912 I can't afford hyenas. 268 00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:13,881 Look, you know I'd help you if I could, 269 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,216 but all my money's going to my former wife, 270 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,384 my former house, 271 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,752 my former wife's current lawyers 272 00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,087 and all their descendants. 273 00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,822 So, if you don't want to go to Mom, 274 00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:23,657 you're going to have to drastically change 275 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:25,325 your lifestyle for a few months. 276 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:26,927 Fine. You win. 277 00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:28,228 I win? 278 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:29,029 What do I win? 279 00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:30,297 How is this a win for me? 280 00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:31,364 Whatever. 281 00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:32,900 I'll cut back, like you said. 282 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,567 Now, come on, let's all go out for a nice dinner. 283 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,236 I'm buying. 284 00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,972 Oh, great. Then after, we can stop by my place for espresso. 285 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,274 Good idea. 286 00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,276 That's a money saver. 287 00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:53,386 "Save 50 cents on one regular-sized Hamburger Helper 288 00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:56,523 when you buy two of the following 10.5-ounce..." 289 00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:58,325 Aw, screw it. 290 00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,299 Hi. 291 00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:07,968 Hi. 292 00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:10,137 How do you like that cabernet? 293 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,772 Oh. It's very good. 294 00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:13,673 Ah. I'll have to try it sometime. 295 00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:15,142 And excuse me for saying so, 296 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,811 but you really don't need the Lean Cuisine. 297 00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,679 Well, thank you. 298 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:24,184 So, how do you like this... 299 00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:25,919 cheese? 300 00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:28,221 Oh. Yeah, well, I do a little volunteer work 301 00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:31,058 making sandwiches for a homeless shelter. 302 00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:36,696 Yeah. I don't know if you know this, 303 00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:38,098 but a lot of those homeless fellas 304 00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:40,367 like a little snort once in a while. 305 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,237 Okay, seek and ye shall find. 306 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,039 24 rolls of toilet paper for $3.99. 307 00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:48,141 Now, I know what you're thinking-- it's single ply-- 308 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:53,280 but at this price, you can double up, triple up, go wild. 309 00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,849 Okay, have a nice day. 310 00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,584 I can't do this anymore, Alan. 311 00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:58,819 I quit. 312 00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:01,354 You can't quit poverty, Charlie. 313 00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:04,057 I want the good stuff. 314 00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:06,493 I want cheese that isn't air-dropped 315 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,195 into third world countries. 316 00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:11,631 I want ouchless toilet paper. 317 00:12:11,698 --> 00:12:13,834 I want vodka that doesn't look like 318 00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:16,103 Fred Flintstone would drink it. 319 00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:19,472 I want my life back. 320 00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:21,208 Fine, then swallow your pride, 321 00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:24,344 call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money. 322 00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:31,451 Yabba-dabba-doo. 323 00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:35,789 Who's the favorite? 324 00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,257 Green Bay. 325 00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:38,725 Did you bet them? 326 00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:40,727 No. 327 00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:42,395 You took the Redskins? 328 00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:43,596 Uh-uh. 329 00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:44,832 No action? 330 00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,867 None. 331 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,836 Then why are we watching? 332 00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:50,403 Beats the hell out of me. 333 00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:54,441 Anybody want a snack? 334 00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:55,508 ( doorbell rings ) 335 00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:56,743 Pizza's here. Pizza's here. 336 00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:58,545 You ordered a pizza? 337 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,982 Charlie, you're supposed to be cutting back on expenses. 338 00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:05,886 Alan, it's a pizza, not a hooker. 339 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,056 Hey, Mr. Harper. 340 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,223 Good to see you. I threw in 341 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,724 some of those garlic puffs you like. 342 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,594 Grabbed a bottle of house red. 343 00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:15,628 I don't think they'll miss it. 344 00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:16,629 Thanks, buddy. 345 00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:17,764 Here's for the pizza. 346 00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:18,765 And, uh... 347 00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,000 ALAN: Charlie... 348 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,501 can I speak with you for a minute? 349 00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:25,505 Hang on a sec. 350 00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:29,977 What are you planning on tipping him? I don't know. 351 00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:31,879 Give him two dollars-- that's 15%. 352 00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:33,280 I can't do that. 353 00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:34,347 You have to. 354 00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:50,497 I can't. Did you see his face? 355 00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:51,865 Go. 356 00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,469 There you go. 357 00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:58,438 Oh, thank you, Mr. Harper. 358 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,208 These are ones. 359 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:05,345 I can break a hundred. 360 00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:09,316 Yeah, uh, I-I-I'm having kind of a cash flow problem. 361 00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:10,417 Oh, yeah. 362 00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,920 Well, we had a good run. 363 00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,489 Hey... 364 00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:19,492 Here. 365 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:20,527 No, keep it. 366 00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,462 You need it more than I do. 367 00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:28,435 So, Deborah said that Julie had 368 00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:30,837 an addiction to cosmetic procedures, 369 00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:32,005 and I said, "Well, 370 00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:35,008 then she needs to go to Botox detox." 371 00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:36,443 Everyone laughed and laughed. 372 00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:37,310 But of course 373 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,478 You couldn't tell, 374 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,613 'cause none of their faces were moving. 375 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,250 That's pretty funny, Mom. 376 00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:43,984 Uh... 377 00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:45,252 listen, uh... 378 00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:47,254 Oh, right, you wanted to tell me something. 379 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:50,323 Yeah. Maybe you should sit down. 380 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:53,060 Oh, what now? 381 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,827 You got some girl pregnant? 382 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,130 You're gay, you're on drugs? 383 00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:58,565 Ten bucks says pregnant. 384 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,034 Jake, go to your room. 385 00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:02,335 I'm giving odds. 386 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,371 Go. 387 00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:05,738 Okay. 388 00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:09,109 Here's the thing. 389 00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:12,445 Hey, would you like a drink? 390 00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:13,346 I suppose. 391 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,015 A screwdriver might be nice. 392 00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,353 I can't go through with this, Alan. 393 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,921 Sure you can. She'll just make 394 00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:24,857 a couple of snide comments about your frivolous lifestyle, 395 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,259 which, luckily, she doesn't know the half of 396 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:27,494 and you'll just suck it up, 397 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,729 pay her back in a couple of months, 398 00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:31,064 and that'll be that. 399 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,899 With Mom, that is never that. 400 00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:34,401 The guilt is always there. 401 00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:36,636 To this day, she still reminds me 402 00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:38,238 how much she had to sacrifice 403 00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:40,940 just so I could get braces. 404 00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:42,542 Like I deliberately had crooked teeth 405 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,611 so she'd be forced to drive a domestic car. 406 00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,946 All right, then just drop it. It's dropped. 407 00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:48,515 Don't ask her. I won't. 408 00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:49,916 Let it go. It's gone. 409 00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:52,452 By the way, they're about to repossess your Jaguar. 410 00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:53,720 Mommy? 411 00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:58,525 Mmm, very nice. 412 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,062 How much do you need? 413 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:03,130 I admit that my lifestyle 414 00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,564 has been a little frivolous, 415 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,499 and I probably should have been paying 416 00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,201 closer attention to my expenses... 417 00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:10,237 All right, how much do you need? 418 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,705 This is just a temporary thing; couple of months. 419 00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:13,640 How much? 420 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:15,208 You'll get it back. 421 00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:18,811 This isn't like the braces and the Mercury Capri. 422 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:21,414 Honey, give me a number. 423 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,567 I really appreciate this, Mom. 424 00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:43,336 No more need be said. 425 00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:45,738 You'll pay it back when you can. 426 00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:47,474 Thanks. 427 00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,909 All right, now that that's taken care of, 428 00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:52,045 why don't I take my boys out to dinner? 429 00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,214 There it is! 430 00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,483 Everything's got a price. 431 00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,052 Charlie... No, no, no, no, no. 432 00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:00,387 You can't just do something nice. 433 00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,155 There's got to be strings attached. 434 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:03,790 Nothing's given out of love. 435 00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:05,425 Everything's got a hook in it. 436 00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:07,460 Well, you can keep your money, lady, 437 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,363 because I'm a free man, and I can't be bought. 438 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:16,035 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go hide my car. 439 00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:25,345 ( playing slow, jazzy blues ) 440 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:34,321 * They're gonna take my Jag away... * 441 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:37,190 ( knock on window ) 442 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,726 Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute? 443 00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:42,562 I guess. 444 00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,068 How come it's so dark in here? 445 00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:51,571 Do you have any idea how much electricity costs? 446 00:17:51,638 --> 00:17:53,140 No. 447 00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:54,374 I didn't either, 448 00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:56,509 but it turns out it's quite a racket. 449 00:17:56,576 --> 00:18:00,280 Listen, I know you're going through a tough time, 450 00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:02,749 and I really want to help you out, 451 00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:04,551 so, please take this. 452 00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:09,156 This is a cashier's check. 453 00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:11,424 Where did you get a cashier's check? 454 00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:13,960 From my dad's bank, silly. 455 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:16,396 Your dad owns a bank? 456 00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:18,598 Well, not all by himself. 457 00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:22,034 Me and my brother and sister own 49%. 458 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,736 Really? 459 00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:27,073 What about your mom? 460 00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:28,875 Well, she doesn't have a bank. 461 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,577 I see. She's in oil. 462 00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:37,384 So, you really have... 463 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,519 Yup, more than God. 464 00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:40,853 Huh. 465 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,523 Didn't figure that when you dumped me, did you? 466 00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:46,859 Rose, it wouldn't have mattered. 467 00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:48,428 I know. 468 00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:51,097 That's one of the things I love about you. 469 00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:54,801 You discard women regardless of their financial status. 470 00:18:56,569 --> 00:19:00,006 Thanks. But I can't take this. 471 00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,774 You think I'm crazy, don't you? 472 00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:03,443 Well... 473 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,179 My dad and brother said I was crazy, 474 00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:09,416 but I think that was just to form a power bloc 475 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:12,352 to squeeze me off the board of directors. 476 00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,487 Shame on them. 477 00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:18,558 I told them that you'd help me if I needed it. 478 00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:19,726 I mean, 479 00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:21,461 you're the first guy I've ever met 480 00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,396 who hasn't cared about my money. 481 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,732 Who slept with me because he was drunk, 482 00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:26,766 not because I was rich. 483 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,605 I only wanted to help you 484 00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,442 because I thought that we were friends. 485 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:36,976 Maybe I was wrong. 486 00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:38,278 Maybe I am crazy. 487 00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:40,380 No, no, no, no, Rose, it's fine. 488 00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:42,582 I am your friend, and if it means 489 00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:44,951 that much to you, I'll take the money. 490 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,088 Oh, thank you, Charlie. 491 00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:51,324 How can I ever repay you? 492 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:53,960 Don't worry about it. 493 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,695 And I will pay you back. 494 00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:56,929 I know that. 495 00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:58,531 Better I should owe you 496 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:01,434 than my manipulating, scheming mother. 497 00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:05,338 That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. 498 00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,006 Hang on; I'll grab you a tissue. 499 00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:09,208 Thank you.