1
00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:07,075
Okay, after I get
the tickets,

2
00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:08,242
you line up
for the popcorn

3
00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:09,877
while I nail down
some good seats.

4
00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:11,212
Oh, I-I want butter
in the middle.

5
00:00:11,279 --> 00:00:12,713
Don't just let 'em
squirt it on the top.

6
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,317
Ooh, ooh, a-and a large
cherry Slurpee...

7
00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:18,286
and then you hold the seats
while I go to the men's room,

8
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:20,020
and then I'll do
the same for you,

9
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:24,058
and that way we can enjoy
our drinks during the movie
without fear.

10
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:26,260
Gotcha.

11
00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:29,763
You're not going to do
any of that, are you?

12
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:30,831
Nope.

13
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:32,533
So-so you want to go in there

14
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,102
with no coordination,
no-no strategy,

15
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,503
just, uh, winging it?

16
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,138
That's what
I'm thinkin'.

17
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,643
I have no faith
in this at all.

18
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:51,952
Now for her I'd stand in line
for a butter squirt.

19
00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:55,489
Yeah, she is a hottie.

20
00:00:57,591 --> 00:01:00,060
Hey, that's no hottie.

21
00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:02,630
That's your ex-wife.

22
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:05,233
Judith?

23
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:06,534
Alan?

24
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,137
Sorry about the squirt thing.

25
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:11,239
Wow.

26
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:12,240
Look at you.

27
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:13,407
New-new hair, clothes.

28
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,708
You look...

29
00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:16,076
Wow.

30
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:17,111
Thank you.

31
00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:19,079
No, no, thank you.

32
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,549
It's a public service

33
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:25,219
when a gay chick goes lipstick
instead of lumberjack.

34
00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:28,556
So, uh, how was
the, uh, movie?

35
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:29,590
Where-where's Jake?

36
00:01:29,657 --> 00:01:31,392
Um, home with a baby-sitter.

37
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,427
Alan, I'm kind of on a date.

38
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:35,396
Oh, oh, okay.

39
00:01:35,463 --> 00:01:37,165
Oh, uh, is that her?

40
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:39,367
Hi, nice to meet you.

41
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,068
Uh, I'm-I'm the ex.

42
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,138
Alan, that's not my date.

43
00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:47,074
Hey, Alan.

44
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:48,075
Uh, Phil!

45
00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:49,076
Yeah, what a coincidence.

46
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:51,212
Uh, uh, Phil
is Jake's soccer coach.

47
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,347
Uh, Phil, you
remember Judith.

48
00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:55,048
Well, yeah, I-I...

49
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,185
One Mississippi...

50
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:58,519
Alan...

51
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:01,255
What?
two Mississippi...

52
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:05,159
Oh, my... God!

53
00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:07,828
Okay, we're all caught up.

54
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,531
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
you're dating Phil?

55
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:11,899
How-how can you
be dating Phil?

56
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,834
Well, Alan, he
asked me out...

57
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,035
What about the
whole gay thing?

58
00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:17,137
Did you even give
that a chance?

59
00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:18,572
Phil, we'd better go.

60
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:19,873
Hey, l-look, Alan,
I-I-I hope

61
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:21,442
this doesn't affect
our friendship.

62
00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:23,444
Oh, no, call me.
We'll hang out.

63
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:25,479
Great. Well, hey,
how's Tuesday?

64
00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:26,580
Tuesday's good.

65
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,249
Judith, how's
Tuesday for you?

66
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,384
Just walk away.

67
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,586
I know you built
your sun deck
without a permit,

68
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,022
and I am calling it in.

69
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:36,190
Alan, chill.

70
00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:37,425
Two-faced, wife-poaching,

71
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:40,160
soccer-coaching
rat bastard!

72
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,396
Come on. Let it go.

73
00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:43,964
I'll treat you
to a cherry Slurpee.

74
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:45,766
I don't want a
cherry Slurpee.

75
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:49,069
You sure? 'Cause I think
Phil's going to get one.

76
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:01,915
She's-she's straight.
She's gay. She's
straight again...

77
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:05,619
Place your bets.
Where she lands,
nobody knows.

78
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:06,987
Alan, it's no big deal.

79
00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:09,857
Women get to experiment
with their sexuality.

80
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:13,494
It's only guys who have to make
a choice and stick to it.

81
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:15,429
Where do you get this stuff?

82
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:16,830
I make it up.

83
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,701
Anyway, it doesn't matter
what Judith is.

84
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:21,735
It only matters what she's not.

85
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:22,970
And what is she not, Charlie?

86
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,739
She is not coming back
to you, pal.

87
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,642
Thank you for your sensitivity.

88
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:31,111
All I'm saying is that Judith
has moved on with her life,

89
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:32,880
and maybe it's time for you
to do the same.

90
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:35,449
I know, I know,
it's just... I can't.

91
00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:36,884
Sure, you can,
and I'll help you.

92
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:37,785
How?

93
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,086
I don't know--
by saying things

94
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:41,589
like, "Sure you can"
and "I'll help you."

95
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,090
Great. Thanks.

96
00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:44,892
Look, this isn't
just about you, you know.

97
00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:46,360
All this wallowing
in the past

98
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:48,095
is causing other people
to suffer.

99
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:49,630
You mean Jake.

100
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:50,898
I mean me.

101
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,934
You are really starting
to piss me off.

102
00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:56,970
Okay, that's enough help
for now.

103
00:03:57,037 --> 00:04:00,173
I'm just saying maybe it's time

104
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,310
You're right, you're right.
I-I-I know you're right.

105
00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:03,511
Forget Judith.

106
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,513
There's a whole world
out there that...

107
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,648
you haven't pissed off yet.

108
00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,149
There is no reason

109
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:11,051
I-I couldn't find happiness
with someone else.

110
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:11,852
There you go.

111
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:12,853
This could be the beginning

112
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:13,821
of the rest of my life.

113
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:14,788
Bit of a bumper sticker,

114
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,156
but sure, why not?

115
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:18,659
In fact, for the first time
since college,

116
00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:20,861
I-I can go after any woman
I want.

117
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,663
Heck, I could take a
page from your book

118
00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:24,765
and date 'em
two, three at a time.

119
00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:25,899
Yeah, right.

120
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:28,035
I mean, yeah, right!

121
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,671
You know what?

122
00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:32,172
I'm going to start right now.

123
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:51,325
I am going to die alone.

124
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,794
No, no...

125
00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:55,829
you just don't know
how to sell yourself.

126
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,064
Give me a minute.

127
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:10,210
So?

128
00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:13,414
If it was up to them,
you'd die alone.

129
00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:14,715
Great.

130
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,016
Okay, here's the thing.

131
00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:17,818
If you really want to play
in this league,

132
00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:20,087
you're going to have to make
a few changes.

133
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,088
Like what?

134
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,356
Hang on.

135
00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:30,297
( laughing )

136
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,470
Pretty much everything.

137
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:37,871
Everything?
Yup.

138
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:41,074
The hair, the clothes,
the fuddy-duddy personality...

139
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:42,910
What do they know
about my personality?

140
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,211
Okay, that part's mine.

141
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:48,616
Face it, Alan, you've been
an old fart since you were 14.

142
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:49,950
What is that supposed to mean?

143
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,318
It means how many eighth graders

144
00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:53,987
carry a-a briefcase
and a pocketwatch?

145
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:56,724
That was
the Esperanto Club look.

146
00:05:56,790 --> 00:06:00,027
Okay, well, unless you know

147
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,195
you're going to need
to shake things up a little.

148
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:05,499
Really? And-and how
do I go about shaking things up?

149
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:06,967
Hang on.

150
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,475
( laughing )

151
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:18,479
This one might take
a while. Don't wait up.

152
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,617
Hey, guess what?

153
00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:26,987
Coach Phil made me first string
on the soccer team.

154
00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:30,591
Is that so?

155
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:32,926
Yeah, it's weird, 'cause I suck.

156
00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:36,830
Well, maybe Coach Phil
sees some potential.

157
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,369
So, uh, what else is new?

158
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,071
Mom's got new clothes
and new hair.

159
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:46,139
It's like she's
a different person or something.

160
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:48,241
But she's still the
same person, Jake.

161
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,510
No, not really.

162
00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:51,779
She walks around the house
singing all the time.

163
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:55,348
She just sings for no reason?

164
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:56,517
I guess.

165
00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:57,885
I wonder if it's the same reason

166
00:06:57,951 --> 00:07:00,087
I sing for no reason.

167
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:04,024
Does Coach Phil sing
for no reason?

168
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:06,359
For God's sake, Charlie.

169
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,863
How come you haven't changed
anything yet, Dad?

170
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:10,964
Why should I change?

171
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,566
So you'd look cool like Mom.

172
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,268
You don't think
I look cool now?

173
00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:16,670
No.

174
00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:19,372
Well, you know what?
It doesn't matter
if I look cool.

175
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,042
We judge a person
by what-/////!s inside them,
not by what they wear.

176
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,944
Lucky for you, huh?

177
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:28,849
Yeah, lucky.

178
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,818
I'm done. Can I go watch TV?

179
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:31,985
Sure.

180
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,990
Help me, Charlie.
I want to sing for no reason.

181
00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:42,462
Get your jacket.
It's time to go.

182
00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:44,832
I don't want to go.
I hate clothes shopping.

183
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:45,799
You can't stay here alone.

184
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:46,734
Why not?

185
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:47,768
You know why not.

186
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:48,869
But I don't have a turtle

187
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:52,305
to put in the microwave anymore.

188
00:07:52,372 --> 00:07:53,874
Get your jacket.

189
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,643
Fine, I'll put
on my stupid jacket

190
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:56,944
and we'll get in the stupid car,

191
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,512
and we'll go
stupid clothes shopping.

192
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:03,116
Hey, don't talk
to your stupid father like that.

193
00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:05,919
So, are you ready
for your big makeover?

194
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:06,920
You know what?

195
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,622
Actually, I am.

196
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,791
I-I-I was up all night
thinking about it.

197
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:11,992
All night?

198
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:16,496
Maybe your money's better spent
on a hooker.

199
00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:18,331
No, no, listen, um,
I was in the bathroom,

200
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,968
uh, looking at
myself in the mirror
when I noticed--

201
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,737
and I think I
can be completely
objective about this--

202
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:26,907
that, uh, I have
a-a very nice ass
for a guy my age,

203
00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:29,242
and I-I-I think

204
00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:30,944
I should start
dressing in such a way

205
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,913
as to, uh, play
that card...

206
00:08:32,980 --> 00:08:34,748
you know...

207
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,349
for the ladies.

208
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:40,320
( doorbell rings )
I'll get that. Yeah.

209
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,323
Am I lying?

210
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:47,527
Hi, Mom.

211
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,563
Oh, good, you remember me.

212
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:50,798
Hello, Charlie.

213
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:54,234
Hey. Mom, right?

214
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:56,003
Very cute.
I was in the neighborhood.

215
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,470
I thought I'd stop by.

216
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,173
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Mom,
but we were just leaving.

217
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,743
( scoffs ):
It never fails, does it?

218
00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:04,144
Whenever I would like to spend

219
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,146
some quality time
with my grandson,

220
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,315
there's always something
more important going on.

221
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:09,449
It's not fair,
you know.

222
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:10,784
I'm not the one
getting clothes,

223
00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:12,319
so why do I have to go
and be bored?

224
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,987
You don't. You can stay here
with Grandma.

225
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,756
What?
What?

226
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:16,890
Have fun.

227
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,792
Wait, no, I'll be good,
I swear.

228
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:20,260
Payback's a bitch, buddy.

229
00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:34,074
This department looks nice.

230
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,208
You're sure?

231
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,177
Because this
is the top floor.

232
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:40,147
There's no more clothes
above this floor.

233
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:42,415
No, I have a good feeling
about this floor.

234
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,151
Great.

235
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:47,054
How about this shirt?

236
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,322
Oh, no, I don't think so.

237
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,260
Okay.

238
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:54,461
How about this?

239
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:55,462
No.

240
00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:57,264
Good.

241
00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,733
This one?

242
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,368
Hmm... no.

243
00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:03,837
This?
No.

244
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:04,872
This?
No.

245
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:05,839
This?
No.

246
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:06,940
Tell you what.

247
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,308
Why don't you pick something?

248
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,377
I thought you were
going to help me.

249
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,279
Pick... something.

250
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,314
Okay.

251
00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:16,449
Flying solo, huh?

252
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:47,781
This is something
I can see myself in.

253
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,282
You like this?

254
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:50,617
Yeah.

255
00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:52,152
Let me see it.

256
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:02,629
( TV playing loudly )

257
00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:05,165
Oh, please,
if she has one more facelift,

258
00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:07,434
she'll be wearing her ass
as a hat.

259
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,903
Jake... Jake...

260
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,739
Honey, turn the TV down.

261
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:13,941
Grandmommy's
on the telephone.

262
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,743
( lowers volume )

263
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:18,178
I'm sorry. What?

264
00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,948
No. No, I'm just spending
a little quality time

265
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,150
with my grandson.

266
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:26,119
Oh, he's an amazing boy.

267
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,554
We're very close.

268
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:29,256
Like two peas in a pod.

269
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,058
What?

270
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:34,227
Uh, uh, hold on.

271
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:37,197
Jake,

272
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:38,999
how old are you?

273
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:40,734
Ten.

274
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,535
Seven.

275
00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:44,037
I said ten.

276
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:48,108
( whispers ):
If I'm 55, you're seven.

277
00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:50,643
He's an adorable boy,
and he just loves me so much.

278
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,746
Oh, Jake,

279
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,081
Jake,
tell my friend, Cheryl,

280
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,283
how much you love Grandmommy.

281
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:57,650
Go on, darling.

282
00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,820
I'm ten.

283
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:04,691
How's it going in there?

284
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:07,494
ALAN:
Whatever happened
to zippers?

285
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,097
I miss zippers.

286
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:13,834
I don't know, Alan, maybe
there were too many injuries.

287
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:19,572
Nobody ever got their balls
caught in a buttonhole.

288
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:20,841
Come on, let's see.

289
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,776
I'm just not sure
about this.

290
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:25,678
Alan, we're never going to find
the right look for you

291
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:26,679
unless we experiment.

292
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:27,981
Now let's see.

293
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,959
I'm not happy
with visible nipples.

294
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:42,896
Yeah, that's what's
wrong with it.

295
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:39,752
That's it.

296
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,489
We need a gay guy.

297
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,960
His name is
SpongeBob SquarePants,

298
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,628
and his friend's
name is Patrick.

299
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,998
He's a starfish and
he lives on the same
street as SpongeBob,

300
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,699
and he's
unbelievably dumb.

301
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,334
Squidward
lives there, too.

302
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:56,904
Of course he's a squid,
and he hates SpongeBob.

303
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,271
And he plays the clarinet.

304
00:13:58,338 --> 00:13:59,739
Both Squidward
and SpongeBob

305
00:13:59,806 --> 00:14:01,374
work at the Krusty Krab
for Mr. Krabs,

306
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,877
who's really cheap
but SpongeBob doesn't care

307
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,712
because he just likes
being a fry cook

308
00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:07,447
and making
Krabby Patties.

309
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,616
So... so, bottom line...

310
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:12,920
he's a sponge.

311
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:15,288
Yeah.

312
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,824
His pants are square
'cause he's square,

313
00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:19,292
and so is his underwear.

314
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:22,562
They're tighty-whiteys,
but they're square.

315
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,397
( sotto voce ):
Oh, dear God.

316
00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:27,167
And he has a pet
snail named Gary...

317
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,302
MAN:
Okay, relax the shoulders.

318
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,870
Good.

319
00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:32,172
The style suits you.

320
00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:34,341
The pants hang
beautifully.

321
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:35,508
Oh, dear.

322
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:36,843
What?

323
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:38,745
You're not going to be wearing
those shoes, are you?

324
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:39,512
Say no.

325
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:40,780
No.

326
00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:43,483
Could you show us some shoes
that will go with this?

327
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,885
I'm sorry.
I don't actually work here.

328
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,354
I came in for a belt.

329
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:50,790
Okay.

330
00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:51,959
We've got an outfit.

331
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:53,126
Let's go find some shoes.

332
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:53,994
No, Charlie, I'm done.

333
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:54,794
I can't do this anymore.

334
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,529
Don't worry.

335
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:58,698
I'm sure there'll be a gay
guy in the shoe department.

336
00:14:58,765 --> 00:14:59,866
No, I changed my mind.

337
00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:01,134
I don't want new clothes.

338
00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:02,535
What are you talking about?

339
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,504
You look great.
That guy said you look stunning.

340
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,707
He said "fabulous,"
but that's not the point.

341
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:09,309
This is not who I am.

342
00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:12,845
Yeah, but who you are couldn't
get laid under water

343
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,781
with a tankful of oxygen.

344
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:15,648
Forget it.
Let's just go home.

345
00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:17,250
Wait a second.

346
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:19,586
I spend all day schlepping
from store to store with you,

347
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:20,920
listening to you whine,

348
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:23,256
and now that we finally found
something that works,

349
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:24,691
you want to bail?

350
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,359
I'm just don't feel comfortable
in this stuff.

351
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,194
I knew it.

352
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,861
I knew you'd chicken out.

353
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,664
Chicken out? I'm not even going
to dignify that with a response.

354
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:35,969
At least your wife had the guts
to try something new.

355
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,437
Don't go there, Charlie.

356
00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,906
I mean the soccer coach
is kind of a sideways move,

357
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,608
but you gotta admire the effort.

358
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:42,409
Fine, fine.

359
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,077
I will buy the stupid clothes.

360
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:46,646
But I'm never, ever going
to do this with you again.

361
00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:48,281
Promise?

362
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:52,185
I just hope he's
worth all the drama.

363
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:57,624
Hello?

364
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:00,927
Mom? Jake?

365
00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:03,096
JAKE:
In here.

366
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:07,800
Hello?

367
00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:09,736
Hey, Dad.
Hi, Alan.

368
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,871
Rose, what are you doing here?

369
00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:13,640
Baby-sitting.

370
00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:15,075
Where's my mother?

371
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:16,509
She left.

372
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:17,077
Why?

373
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,411
I don't know.

374
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,513
We were watching
SpongeBob SquarePants

375
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,649
and she stood up and said
life was too short.

376
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:27,520
Luckily, I happened
to be out on the deck,

377
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:31,424
not doing anything,
just passing by,

378
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:34,127
and she asked
me to baby-sit.

379
00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:37,730
Whoa, Dad, you look cool.

380
00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:39,099
Really?

381
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:39,999
You think?

382
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,000
Oh, yeah.

383
00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:42,102
Very sexy.

384
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:43,870
Huh.

385
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:45,372
So where is Charlie?

386
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:46,939
Oh, uh, he dropped me off.

387
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,442
We had a little disagreement.

388
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,445
Was it about
those dorky shoes?

389
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:12,332
Hi.

390
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,666
Hi.

391
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:15,135
Mind if I join you?

392
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:16,169
Might as well.

393
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:20,307
You're gonna have
to drive me home.

394
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,041
Listen, I just
wanted to say

395
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:25,478
that, uh, I know you
were just trying to help,

396
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,147
and I appreciate it.

397
00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:28,248
Thanks.

398
00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:29,949
I just got a little panicky.

399
00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:32,485
Change is not easy
for me, Charlie.

400
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,122
Really? I hadn't noticed.

401
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,889
And I'm not just talking
about the clothes.

402
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:39,159
The clothes are only
the tip of the iceberg.

403
00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:40,793
Only the tip of the iceberg?

404
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:43,062
Leanne, I'm gonna need
another shot here.

405
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:45,532
Continue.

406
00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:46,799
Well, yeah, it's like,

407
00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:49,136
I was married a
long time, Charlie.

408
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:50,403
It's... it's who I was.

409
00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:51,838
It was my identity.

410
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:55,175
Married Guy, Husband-Man,
Captain Dependable.

411
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,010
And I had a uniform.

412
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,680
And, I don't know,
I guess I just

413
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,215
didn't want to take it off.

414
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:06,853
'Cause you'd lose
your powers of dependability?

415
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:11,090
So, Charlie,
who's your friend?

416
00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:12,825
My brother, Alan.

417
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:14,594
Hi, Alan. I'm Leanne.

418
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:16,095
It's nice to meet you.

419
00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:18,965
Uh, I've actually met you
a bunch of times.

420
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:22,235
( laughs ):
Oh, no, I'd remember you.

421
00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:24,804
Uh, I come in here with
Charlie all the time.

422
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:26,873
I always order
a rum and diet Coke?

423
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,343
Oh, right.

424
00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:32,779
So, Alan, the usual?

425
00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,113
Uh, no.

426
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:36,149
Today,
let's try something different.

427
00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:38,084
Uh, Charlie, what
are you having?

428
00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:40,086
Tequila shooters
with a beer back.

429
00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:41,087
Great!

430
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,623
I will have a rum
and diet Coke.

431
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,861
Was she flirting with me?

432
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:50,096
I think she was
flirting with me.

433
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:52,199
I think there was
definitely a connection.

434
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:55,668
Alan, you do understand
she works for tips?

435
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:58,405
Rum and diet
Coke, please?

436
00:18:58,471 --> 00:18:59,306
Here.

437
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:02,008
Did you see that?

438
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:03,276
What do you expect?

439
00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:05,645
You bought a sport jacket,
not a magic lamp.

440
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:09,081
* Men.

441
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:15,888
( water running )

442
00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:31,838
Hello.

443
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:35,808
I didn't see you back there.

444
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:46,052
Oh, yeah.

445
00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:53,460
I am ready for my closeup,
Mr. DeMille.