( cartoon music playing on TV )
Hi. Hi, Uncle Charlie.
How was your game?
Ah, the musicians' softball league is a joke.
Guys trying to catch stuff that isn't there.
People throwing up on an easy double play ball.
So why do you go?
There's an open bar, and they let me pitch.
Well, I've got to get dressed.
Uh, I was going to throw this toast out,
but it's yours if you want it.
When did I become the family dog?
Hey, Jake, what's this? A phone message?
Yeah, some lady called for you.
Who? I can't read your writing.
"You're a big, selfish jerk."
Okay, I know who this is.
Amy.
Probably Amy.
Yep, Amy. She wants you to call her back.
Yeah, that'll happen.
Why not?
Because I never said I'd call her back.
Remember this, Jake.
Never make promises to women that you don't intend to keep.
And you know how you do that?
Always keep my promises?
That might work.
A better way is never make promises.
What happens if Amy calls again?
Okay, I'm glad you asked that.
When the phone rings at Uncle Charlie's house,
we don't just willy-nilly pick up the receiver and answer it.
No.
What we do,
is we check the caller ID.
And only pick up if we want to talk to that person.
Like Mom?
That depends.
Your mom, yes. My mom, no.
How come you don't want to talk to your mom?
I'll tell you all about that when you're old enough to drink.
What if I want to talk to your mom?
Okay, that kind of attitude
is going to break down the whole system.
* Men, men, men, men, manly men *
* Men... *
( phone ringing )
Dad, no, don't pick up the phone!
Why not?
It might be your mom.
Or a woman.
It's Amy again. She just won't give up.
Charlie...
Hey, look, I appreciate the need for privacy,
but I think you're sending a bad message
to my son about how to deal with women.
How so?
He thinks it's okay to avoid somebody
just because the conversation might be uncomfortable.
Charlie?
Okay, that's not funny.
Look, if I'm teaching the kid anything,
it's honesty.
Really?
Walk me through the lesson, Charlie.
Educate me.
Okay.
I tell women up front I'm not looking
for a long-term relationship.
Mm-hmm.
If they don't believe me
or they're determined to change my mind,
I have a right to avoid that conversation.
And the phone company obviously agrees with me,
otherwise they wouldn't have invented Caller ID.
Uncle Charlie, what if somebody you don't want to talk to
comes over instead of calls?
Tell them I'm not here.
He's not here, Grandma!
Mom, you just surprised me.
You should have called first.
Charlie, I call constantly.
You screen like an Olympic drug tester.
I'm happy to see you, Mom.
I don't believe you, sweetheart,
but at least you care enough to lie.
Hey, I care enough to lie. You just caught me off-guard.
So what are you doing here?
Well, I'm showing a house up the beach,
and I thought while I'm in the neighborhood,
I would drop off a gift for my grandson.
You're writing him a check?
What kind of gift is that?
You told me he likes Transformer toys.
This check transforms into any toy he wants.
Wow, thanks, Grandma.
Is that all? Don't I get a hug?
Oh, your grandma loves you
so, so, so much.
Oh! Grandma's got to go to work.
Nobody just gives her checks.
Walk me out.
In case you're at all interested,
I've been seeing a man,
and he just may be the one.
Hey, five time's a charm.
Four.
But what about the guy with the...?
That was annulled. Oh.
Oh, boy, are we going to have a new daddy?
Oh, bite me, Charlie.
Now I'd like to have a dinner at the house
so you boys can meet him.
What night is good for you?
Uh, what night do you want us?
Uh, uh, uh. I asked you first.
( both mumbling )
...check my calendar... ...don't really want to...
Tomorrow night. 7:00.
It's very important to me, and I hope you can make it.
But I'll certainly understand
if you're too busy for your mother.
You know what she's trying to do, don't you?
Of course I know.
Then maybe one of us should go.
Oh, sure, you go, I look bad.
What do you care?
I don't care. Then don't go.
I'm not going. I'm not going either.
I'm not staying.
We'll eat, we'll go.
No coffee, no dessert.
We can't be rude.
Watch me. I refuse to let that woman...
Hi, Mom.
Better late than never.
We're right on time.
I was referring to the big picture.
Hey, Grandma.
And look, you've brought Jake to meet my new beau.
Come here, sweetheart.
Now tonight, you and I are going to play a game,
and the name of the game is...
"Don't call me Grandma."
What kind of game is that?
It's a fun game, honey.
It only has one rule: you have to call me "Evelyn."
Okay.
Try it.
Evelyn.
See? We're having fun already.
Oh, look, you didn't bring wine.
Good. Too many people bring wine.
Tommy, darling.
I'd like you to meet my sons.
This is Charlie.
Hello. Hi, Tommy, how are you?
Alan.
Hello. Alan.
And this is Jake.
Yes, I am, Evelyn.
Let's not beat it to death, okay?
Good to meet you, Jake.
Oh!
There you are.
Boys, this is Tommy's daughter, Olivia.
Hey, hello, Charlie.
Hey, there... stranger.
You two know each other?
I thought I knew him.
Oh, no.
Okay, who'd like a drink?
I would like a drink.
Charlie, come help me with drinks.
Alan, talk to Olivia.
Alan was a cesarean.
Oh.
It-it wasn't, uh, medically necessary.
She just... had a function to go to.
Is there anyone
in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?
Come on, we went out a couple of times.
She assumed it was an exclusive thing,
and when she found out it wasn't,
she got a little upset.
Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy.
I'm very happy for you. Good night.
Charles...
you are not going anywhere.
This man is very important to me.
No we are going to have a nice dinner,
you are going to be charming,
and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact
that you've defiled his daughter.
Hey, she wasn't exactly "filed" when I met her.
You don't know how lucky you are
to have a mother like Evelyn.
She is the warmest, most affectionate,
giving woman I've ever know.
That's my mom.
Call her "Evelyn."
That's the game.
You play your game; I'll play mine.
Here we are.
There's my little karaoke cupcake.
Oh, Tommy, you are not telling that story!
We took one of those little cruises to Alaska,
glaciers and whales-- I didn't quite see
the point of it all-- but during the evening,
there was this karaoke competition.
And as you know, I'm no stranger to the stage.
Yes, Mom, I know.
Excuse me.
Uh, anyway, you know how I've always sung, um,
"These Boots Are Made For Walking"?
With my little dance routine.
Yes, Mom, I-I have it on my wedding video.
So how have you been?
Um, you know...
No, I don't.
When people don't return your calls,
it's kind of hard to know how they've been.
Okay, look, I know this is an awkward coincidence...
It's no coincidence.
When my father told me who he was dating,
I made it a point to be here.
Oh...
well, you can't argue the awkward part.
So I'm zipping up my boots, I am about to go onstage,
when this hausfrau from Tone-Deaf Texas
gets up and starts
singing my song.
Well, I think you could imagine how unhappy I was.
OLIVIA: Don't tell me to calm down!
You lied to me.
I did not lie to you.
And you could have told me this on the phone.
Your never answer your phone.
Of course not.
Who wants to have this conversation?
So, um, uh, I, uh, I sidled up to the woman
and-and really very smoothly, turned it into a duet.
When suddenly,
she starts pushing me...
OLIVIA: You said I was very special
to you.
You were.
Yeah. Me and three other women.
I said you were special. Not unique.
Drop dead, you bastard!
E-Excuse me.
In my defense...
Ah, screw it.
Finish the story, Evelyn.
Did you push her back?
Stupid musicians' league.
I don't know why I bother.
Get this: tie score, we're down to our last out.
Our best hitter, Billy Kresky, is up.
The bases are loaded.
So is Kresky.
His whole family is standing behind the backstop,
crying and pleading, "Go back to rehab, Daddy!
We love you!"
Needless to say, he choked.
Charlie, I think we've got a bigger problem.
Our mother is missing.
Oh, don't try to cheer me up.
I'm serious.
I called her home, her car, her cell. Nothing.
Did you check with the captain of the flying monkeys?
Charlie...
She's probably just sulking
because I screwed up her dinner party last week.
That's what I thought, too, except I called her office,
and they haven't heard from her either.
Okay, that's weird.
Yeah, I think somebody needs to go over there
and make sure she's okay.
Good idea.
You do that,
and I'll stay here in case she calls.
Wh-Why don't you go,
and I'll stay here in case she calls?
No, I got to be honest. I like my idea better.
Well, I'm not going there alone.
I'm not going at all!
What do you want to bet she ran off to Vegas
to marry this Tommy guy.
Hey, i-if that's all this is, great.
The only downside would be
that you slept with our stepsister.
Huh. I hadn't thought of that.
Kind of sexy.
Kind of sick.
I'm saying.
Look, there's no one here.
Let's go.
No, no, I want to take a look.
You have a key?
I'm the good son.
ALAN: Mom?
Okay, she's not here. Let's go.
Okay, she's here. Let's go.
Charlie, wait a minute.
Mom,
are you all right?
Why-why haven't you been answering the phone?
I didn't want to burden anyone
with my grief over the late Tommy Pearson.
Tommy died?
Well...
he's dead to me.
Okay. What happened?
He dumped me.
Mom, I'm sorry, but the thing between me and his daughter
happened years before you even met the guy.
This has nothing to do with you, Charlie.
God, you're a narcissist.
No, Tommy left me for some fresh-faced 45-year-old bimbo.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Mom.
I-I know he meant a lot to you.
Yeah, I-I'm sorry, too.
Thank you, Alan. Nice try, Charlie.
Now, if you'll both please leave,
I'd like to be alone.
We understand.
Charlie, wait.
We can't just leave her here.
Fine. Where do you want to leave her?
Hey, Mom, why don't you, uh,
why don't you come back and stay at Charlie's house
for a few days? How's that?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out.
Don't worry, Charlie.
I have no desire to impose on your life.
Appreciate it. All right, then, chin up.
You sure, Mom?
Yes. Thank you, Alan.
Okay.
Oh, God...
( quietly ): So close.
How long is she going to sit out there?
I don't know.
I've never seen her this depressed.
Somebody's got to go out there
and show her a little love and support.
Jake?
Um, w-why don't you go out and talk to Grandma?
Why?
'Cause she's a little lonely.
She's your mom.
Don't sass me. Go talk to Grandma.
Hi, Evelyn.
Oh, please, call me Grandma.
Well, what about the game?
Games are for children, Jake.
You know, Uncle Charlie got me a metal detector,
and sometimes I find cool stuff on the beach.
That's nice, but you know,
that cool stuff is stuff that other people lost
and will never get back.
Trinkets and treasures
buried beneath the lonely sands of time.
Yeah, but finders, keepers, right?
And losers, weepers.
He's getting killed out there.
Well...
he's not crying yet.
Somebody needs to go out there and back him up.
Ten bucks says it's not me.
Hey, what's going on with you two...?
Kid's got a bladder the size of a pea.
You were a bed wetter, if I recall.
You know... you know what-what
Jake would-would really get a kick out of?
If you could sing while Charlie played the piano, huh?
Oh, oh, no, Alan. I couldn't.
Besides, Charlie always hated that.
Are you kidding? It was his idea!
( laughs )
( playing lively intro )
EVELYN: * These boots are made for walkin' *
* And that's just what they'll do *
* One of these days these boots are gonna... *
( playing slowly )
Pick it up, Charlie.
We're walking, not crawling.
Are you ready, boots?
( playing jazzy riff )
Okay, now.
One more time!
EVELYN: A-one, two.
One, two, three.
* You keep sayin' you got... *
Mom? You okay?
Oh, go back to bed, Charlie.
No, I'm up.
Hard to sleep after a big show.
Thank you for that.
It brought back some nice memories.
You still got some chops, Mom.
You were rushing the tempo towards the end there.
Sorry. I always get a little carried away
when you do the James Brown medley.
Oh, Charlie.
Your mother's a real sad case, isn't she?
Oh, you'll get over him.
There's other guys.
He never even called.
He never even said good-bye.
Maybe... maybe he was scared.
Of what?
I knew there were no promises, no strings.
That-that doesn't mean there can't be common courtesy.
Huh.
To think I meant that little to him.
It'll be okay, Mom.
Hey, you still got me and Alan.
Oh, Charlie, please.
I know how difficult things are between us.
Maybe it's my fault.
It's not all your fault.
I-I probably haven't been the best son.
( sighs )
I just want you to know that
in my way, I want you to be happy, and...
...I love you.
Well, I guess I'll go pack.
Why?
Oh, I'm going home.
In the middle of the night?
Charlie, you just said you loved me.
You could only screw it up from here.
( playing "Love Me Tender" on piano )
* Oh, my darling, I love you
* And I always will.
( playing final notes )
Donkey Kong!
"Danke Schoen."
"Danke Schoen!"
"Danke Schoen." B flat.
One, two...