( plays melody from Beethoven's Fifth Symphony)
* If you've got bugs
* If you've got ants
* If you've got bugs and flies
* And slugs and things that crawl... *
We're here.
Mom, come see my room.
I'll be right there, honey.
Hey, Uncle Charlie.
Hi, shorty.
Hello, Charlie.
Hey, Judith. What are you doing here?
If you must know,
I'm here to help Jake set up his room
so he feels like nothing's changed.
Really?
You don't think he'll notice that his Dad's living here
and his Mom's dating chicks?
Could you say that a little louder?
Jake might not have heard you.
And just for the record, I'm not dating anyone
and I threw your brother out
'cause he was sucking the life out of me.
Could you say that a little louder?
Uncle Charlie hasn't met Porky yet.
I don't suppose that's a Rubenesque 19-year-old girl.
Porky's his pet guinea pig.
You're bringing vermin into my house?
Uncle Charlie, check him out. Isn't he awesome?
Yeah.
See those little black things?
That's his poop.
Awesome.
I don't want him in the water this weekend.
He might have an ear infection.
Oh, Mom.
Oh, no, it's okay, pal.
We can go to Disneyland. We'll have a great weekend.
We can, we can play miniature golf,
we can go bowling, bike riding,
whatever you want.
Alan, relax, you're starting to sound
like a tampon commercial.
Jake, why don't you go put Porky in your room?
Okay.
Alan, I'm very concerned.
He's just a child.
I don't know if he can deal with this.
Give your son some credit. He's an incredible kid.
I was talking about you.
That's fair.
Yeah.
* Men...
Charlie?
That strange lady from down the beach is back.
Oh, yeah, she's here to baby-sit.
Come again?
Thought we'd go out and have a drink.
You want me to leave my son
with the whack job who's been stalking you
since your one-night stand?
Hey, you try and find a baby-sitter on a Friday night.
It's okay, Alan.
Charlie and I talked and I understand
that we're just friends, and that it's not okay
for me to sneak into his house
and lick all his silverware.
As reassuring as that sounds,
we can't go out tonight.
We're getting up early to go to Disneyland.
We?
Yeah.
I thought maybe you'd want to come with us.
Alan, I'm not thrilled about having
one small rodent in my house.
Why would I drive 50 miles to see their kingdom?
I'll go! I'll go!
Maybe some other time, Rose.
And it turns out,
we're not going to need a baby-sitter tonight.
No problem.
I'm going to take this seat cushion, okay?
Knock yourself out.
Why does she want your seat cushion?
I don't know why she brought it,
I don't know why she's taking it.
Okay, then, I'll see you later.
You're still going out?
Yeah. Why?
I thought you wanted us to spend some time together.
Here?
Yeah.
Okay.
What were you thinking? Ten, 15 minutes?
Go. Thanks.
( Jake in cartoon voice ): Good morning, Uncle Charlie.
Morning, Porky.
Did you have sweet dreams?
Jake, rule number one.
Uncle Charlie does not like to start his day
with a squealing creature in his face.
Sorry.
Grandma's here.
She wants you to come down.
Okay, you're not listening.
Rule number one...
This is a list of the top
divorce attorneys in Los Angeles.
I've made appointments for you with each of them.
Mom, I don't need to meet any attorneys.
I'm not getting a divorce.
I'm sure you don't think so.
The point is, if you consult with all the good lawyers,
it's a conflict of interest
for them to represent Judith.
She'll be stuck with some ambulance-chasing clown
from Van Nuys who will fold like an origami swan.
Look, I don't want this to be...
Mommy busted her hump on this, Alan.
Thank you?
Morning.
Is that all you have to say for yourself?
You haven't returned any of my calls this week.
It's all I can do to not imagine you
lying dead in a ditch somewhere.
Right back at you, Mom.
What did you want to talk about?
You're too late. I'm not speaking to you.
All right.
Would you like to know why?
No, I trust your judgment.
Because when your brother's marriage ended...
Yes, I know, Alan, blah, blah, blah.
...and he chose to move in here,
your coldness towards your mother
became more than just the behavior
of an ungrateful son.
It's now an obstacle to my spending
quality time with my beloved grandchild.
Are you coming to Disneyland with us, Grandma?
Oh, darling, Grandma doesn't do Anaheim.
Well, uh, we better hit the road.
Try to beat the traffic. Thanks for dropping by, Mom.
Come on, let's go, Jake. Race you to the car.
Bye, Grandma. Bye, Uncle Charlie.
Bye.
Wait for me, I'm going!
Come on, boy. Come on, boy.
Heel, heel, heel, stay.
Oh, who's a good dog? Who's a good dog?
Hey, Jake, uh, you want to take him?
Whatever. Come on.
Get ready for bed.
I'll be right in to tuck you in.
"Happiest place on Earth," my snow-white ass.
I had a good time.
Oh, really?
Which part did you like best--
the equatorial heat, the endless lines,
or the large German woman
that threw up on me in the Teacup?
Okay, okay.
Maybe things could have gone smoother,
but tomorrow is going to make up for it.
Alan, you could get us all laid tomorrow,
it's not going to make up for it.
Hey, sleepyhead. You're just in time.
Pancakes are almost ready.
I'm not hungry.
Not hungry?
Come on, you've got to fuel up that engine,
got a big day planned.
My ear hurts.
Oh, no.
Let me feel.
Yeah, you're a little warm.
Probably another ear infection.
Um...
Okay, okay, new plan.
We'll, uh, we'll get you on the antibiotics.
We'll, uh, we'll watch a little TV,
play some video games... we'll have a great day.
I want to go home.
You, uh, you are home.
I know, but the real one, with Mom.
Okay, uh, I can understand that.
You know, when a guy's feeling sick,
he needs his Mom. Right, Charlie?
Well...
I may not be the one to ask.
Okay, I'll, uh, I'll call your Mom
and, uh, and tell her we're on our way.
All right, it's just you and me now.
Are you really sick or are you just faking it
to get out of another fun-filled afternoon?
I'm really sick.
Just checking.
Because I was going to fake it.
( melody of "Ode to Joy" ): * If your home is bug infested
* Filled with spiders, flies or gnats *
* All our sprays are safety tested *
* We kill vermin, not your cats. *
Hey.
How's the jingle coming?
The lyrics are fine, the music needs a little work.
How's Jake?
Uh, he'll be okay.
I stayed over at the house a little while.
We watched some movies.
I, uh, made us some soup
and a couple of sandwiches.
And, uh, Judith suggested I take mine to go.
Suggested?
Well, she started my car
and threw my sandwich in the backseat.
Uh, listen, I'm afraid I got
some more bad news for you.
Oh, no! I forgot to bring Porky back.
See, that's the thing.
Nothing's bringing Porky back.
Porky's dead?
Th-th-th-that's all, folks.
Oh, God...
oh, God.
It's okay.
We'll can get, we can get Jake another guinea pig.
Jake'll be fine.
This is his fourth Porky in three years.
He goes through them faster than shoes.
No... this is about my life.
Everything is going to hell.
Okay. Well, uh...
don't, don't cry.
We can still be friends.
What?
Sorry. It's the only thing I know to say
when someone cries around here.
I'm so sorry, Porky.
You just kept running around in your little cage
trying to make everybody happy.
And what do you get?
You get dead.
You do know the pig can't hear you, right?
Don't you get it?
I am the pig!
Okay, okay, I-I-I'm just asking
because your, your reaction doesn't seem very healthy to me.
And what do you think would be healthy, Charlie?
I don't know.
Why don't we toss Porky in the ocean and go get bombed?
How could you? How could you?
Okay.
Toss him in the ocean.
Very clever.
Who knew pelicans eat guinea pigs?
( barking like dogs )
What's happening?
Sunday's Tequila Night at Pavlov's.
Every time the bell rings,
you got to take a shot.
Why?
'Cause the bell rings.
Oh. Okay.
You got to bark first.
Woof.
Charlie...
when my son looked at me
and told me that he wanted to go home,
it broke my heart.
I saw.
I mean, my kid is sick, and I can't even be with him.
I-I... you know, I'm-I'm a failure, Charlie.
I'm-I'm a failure as a father.
I'm a failure as a husband.
You didn't fail.
First of all, that little boy loves you,
and second of all, just because your wife decides
she doesn't like sleeping with men
doesn't mean you failed as a husband...
although I wouldn't brag about it.
You're right. You're right.
This is Judith's fault.
She's the one who-who breached
our marriage contract asunder,
and-and, and-and I let her make decisions
that should've been in my dominion.
Alan, people are going to do
whatever they're going to do in this world.
The only thing a man can control is his own actions.
( bell rings )
( barking )
Remember where we left our car.
This isn't our car?
Where to?
Home. Home.
And that would be...
Sherman Oaks.
We don't live in Sherman Oaks.
I do.
I am a Sherman Oaksian,
and-and I am going home for as to reclaim my home.
Oh, that's a very bad idea.
I'll tell you what's a good idea:
chili cheese fries and a large root beer...
with chili cheese fries...
and girls.
No.
I am going home to my wife
to impose my dominion over her.
Oh, yeah. The lesbians love that.
Driver, Sherman Oaks!
CABBIE: 1167 Bonnie Meadow Drive.
Good-bye, Charlie.
I'll be back for my things tomorrow.
Thank you, driver.
You've been most kind.
( door shuts )
So, back to Malibu?
No. Let's give it a second.
Did you know...
they put chocolate pudding in tubes now?
No. No, I did not.
They do.
My nephew eats them.
They're surprisingly good.
Well, that's an interesting sibling dynamic
you've got going with your brother there.
You get that I'm loaded, right?
( door opens )
Drive, drive, drive!
( tires screeching )
So...
how'd it go?
She-she chased me out of the house
with a... with a golf club.
Huh.
Taking up golf already.
What was it-- like, a six iron?
What difference does it make?
I just want to be able to tell the story accurately.
It's not funny.
Then why are you laughing?
'Cause I don't know what else to do.
I wish I could ask Dad for advice.
You'd go to Dad for marriage counseling?
Alan, our father committed suicide
to get away from our mother.
What are you talking about?
Dad didn't commit suicide.
He-he died of food poisoning.
I maintain that he knew the fish was bad,
but he kept eating it anyway.
Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.
Oh, you have no idea, my friend.
My mother took my baby brother,
and dipped him in sissy sauce,
and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak
you see today.
That's right...
and-and she made him
so scared of intimacy,
that-that he has just this endless stream of gorgeous girls
running in and out of his life.
Damn her.
You know, many psychologists agree.
Until the core maternal relationship is resolved,
most men are doomed to repeat
dysfunctional childhood patterns.
Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.
You know, Charlie,
he's not wrong.
I mean, at-at some point,
we have to stand up to her.
Oh, well, look who's got beer muscles all of a sudden.
No, no, I'm serious, I'm serious, come on.
Right now. Let's-let's confront her.
You-you with me? Come on.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
You really are afraid of Mom.
I am not.
All these years, I thought you were so cool,
but you're just a big, clucking chicken.
Ouch.
Ouch? Okay, okay, that's it.
We have a new destination: Beverly Hills.
You got an address?
Just go east on Sunset
until you reach the gates of hell.
She'll buzz us in.
I can't wait to see her face.
Yeah, she's going to freak.
You ready?
Ring the bell. Ring the bell.
Okay.
( doorbell rings )
( barking )
EVELYN: Who is it?!
It's your sons.
Charlie and Alan.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom.
EVELYN: Oh, dear God. Hold on. I'll be right there.
Hey, uh... what exactly are we going to say to her?
Now you ask?
This was your safari.
Well, we're here to resolve the core maternal... thing.
Wait, aha! I'll go ask the cabbie.
Nice try.
Somebody'd better be dead.
Porky's dead.
And you completely screwed up our lives.
I'm sorry?
Well, that's good enough for me. Yeah, I'm good.
Night. Night.
BOTH: Drive, drive, drive!
Good morning, sunshine.
Oh, God.
Close the drapes.
Hey, what's this?
"Release and indemnification form."
What?
Were you on some kind of television show last night?
I don't think so.
Well, you and your brother signed it.
Let me see that.
Alan...
Alan!
Wake up.
We got a problem.
"Taxicab Confessions"?
* If you've got bugs
* If you've got ants
* If you've got bugs and flies and slugs *
* And things that crawl...
Huh?
Isn't that Beethoven?
Shh!
I don't...
I don't even know
how my wife is going to be a lesbian.
She hates oral sex.
Hates it.