1 00:00:02,636 --> 00:00:04,305 So, what do you think? 2 00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:06,374 Wow. 3 00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:09,177 It's for you, right? 4 00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:11,112 It's for both of us. 5 00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:12,146 Don't go away. 6 00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:13,681 Don't worry. 7 00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:16,750 There's no enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere. 8 00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:19,053 ( phone ringing ) 9 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,256 CHARLIE ( on machine ): Hey, it's Charlie. 10 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:23,924 Do your thing when you hear the beep. 11 00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:25,059 ( beeps ) 12 00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,894 WOMAN: Listen, you lousy SOB. 13 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,596 I will not be treated like this. 14 00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:32,133 Either you call me or you are going to be very, very sorry. 15 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,435 I love you, Monkey Man. 16 00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:35,469 Charlie? 17 00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:38,806 Who is that? 18 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:41,242 Damn telemarketers. 19 00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:44,112 A telemarketer who calls you "Monkey Man." 20 00:00:44,178 --> 00:00:47,115 I'm on some weird list. 21 00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:51,219 Okay, it's a woman I went out with once, 22 00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:53,321 and she got a little clingy. 23 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,357 You are a bad, bad boy. 24 00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:59,560 And yet, you're always the one getting spanked. 25 00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,430 ( phone rings ) 26 00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:03,731 Geez. 27 00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:05,566 CHARLIE ( on machine ): Hey, it's Charlie. 28 00:01:05,633 --> 00:01:07,168 Do your thing when you hear the beep. 29 00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:08,469 ( beeps ) 30 00:01:08,536 --> 00:01:10,638 MAN: Uh, Charlie, it-it's Alan, 31 00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:11,805 uh, your brother. 32 00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:13,006 No big deal. 33 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,042 Uh, just wanted to touch base. 34 00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,477 My-my wife threw me out 35 00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:18,412 and I'm kind of losing the will to live. 36 00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:20,080 So, when you get a chance, 37 00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:21,782 I'd really love to, oh, I don't know... 38 00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:24,352 Hey, Alan, I'm sorry to hear about that. 39 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,420 Uh, so, where are you going to go, to a hotel? 40 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:28,021 Wow. 41 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,358 Huh? 42 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,927 Well, yeah, I-I guess you could... stay here. 43 00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:36,063 Okay. 44 00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:37,698 I'll see you when you get here. 45 00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:39,400 We better hurry. 46 00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:49,943 Oh, is she staying over? 47 00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:52,346 'Cause I may have parked behind her. 48 00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:56,284 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * 49 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,121 Twelve years and-and she just throws me out. 50 00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:04,124 I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows? 51 00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:05,493 You know, "Till death do us part." 52 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:06,760 Who died? Not me, not her. 53 00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:11,365 How did you get in my house? 54 00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:15,068 Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works 55 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,904 if it's among other rocks. 56 00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,574 Not-not sitting on your welcome mat. 57 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,009 Excuse me, 58 00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:25,112 but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, 59 00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:28,148 it's impossible to find when you're drunk. 60 00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,250 You know, I'm a good husband. 61 00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:30,618 I-I'm faithful. 62 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:31,785 Is she? 63 00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:32,886 Is she what? 64 00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:34,021 Faithful. 65 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,923 ( scoffing ) 66 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,225 Don't be ridiculous. 67 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:38,926 I mean, Judith doesn't even like sex. 68 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,194 I mean, all she kept saying 69 00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:41,895 was she feels suffocated, you know. 70 00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:43,297 She kept going on and on, 71 00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:45,098 "I'm suffocating. I'm suffocating." 72 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,300 What does that mean? 73 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,068 Has a women ever said that to you? 74 00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:51,171 Well, yeah... 75 00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:55,409 but not a woman who doesn't like sex. 76 00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:59,547 And-And Jake. 77 00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:00,548 Jake? 78 00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,450 My son. 79 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:06,320 Oh, yeah, teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days. 80 00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:08,389 He's ten. 81 00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:09,790 WOMAN: Charlie, I'm going to go. 82 00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,259 CHARLIE: Oh, no. 83 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:12,926 You two need to talk. I'll call you tomorrow. 84 00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,295 I'm sorry to hear about you and your wife. 85 00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:15,763 Oh, come on, you leaving 86 00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:18,198 isn't going to bring them back together again. 87 00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:23,871 Look, okay, this is just until things settle out. 88 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,072 A couple of days max. 89 00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:26,574 She will come to her senses. 90 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:30,244 Yeah, that's what women do. 91 00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:33,447 Look, you can have the guest room. 92 00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:34,615 I'll grab some sheets. 93 00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:35,816 That's okay. 94 00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,385 I brought my own. 95 00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,753 Brought your own sheets? 96 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:42,256 I like my sheets. 97 00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:45,192 Okay, then, good night. 98 00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:46,294 No, no, wait, wait. 99 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,528 Charlie, I mean, 100 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,430 we hardly ever talk to each other. 101 00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:52,300 ( sighs ): What do you want to talk about, Alan? 102 00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:54,868 I don't know. Uh... 103 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,937 I was named Chiropractor of the Year 104 00:03:57,004 --> 00:04:00,240 by the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association. 105 00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:01,141 Okay, then, good night. 106 00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,510 No... 107 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,212 No, Charlie, Charlie, what about you? 108 00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:07,648 What's, uh, what's going on with you? 109 00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,683 Well, Alan, there's not much to say. 110 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,686 I make a lot of money for doing very little work. 111 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:16,524 I sleep with beautiful women who don't ask about my feelings. 112 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,659 I drive a Jag, I live at the beach, 113 00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:20,294 and sometimes, in the middle of the day, 114 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,795 for no reason at all, 115 00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:25,198 I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas, 116 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,368 take a nap out on the sundeck. 117 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,638 Huh. 118 00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,274 Okay, then, good night, Charlie. Good night. 119 00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,948 Good night, Monkey Man. 120 00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:54,862 Boy, is your eye red. 121 00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:58,966 You should see it from in here. 122 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,369 What are you doing here, Jake? 123 00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:02,836 My mom brought me. 124 00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:05,406 Will you take me swimming in the ocean? 125 00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:11,645 ( sighs ): Can we talk about it after my head stops exploding? 126 00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:13,781 Why is your head exploding? 127 00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:17,585 Well, I drank a little too much wine last night. 128 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,854 If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it? 129 00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:24,792 Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake. 130 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:28,095 You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. 131 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,963 You said "ass." 132 00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,866 Tell you what... here's 20. 133 00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:35,536 That should cover me till lunch. 134 00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,205 Now, what I think you need to do 135 00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:40,007 is to make a list. 136 00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,810 On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage, 137 00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,678 and on the other side, what you do. 138 00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:47,381 Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, 139 00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:50,451 I start crying in my car. 140 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:55,856 Okay, that would probably go on the "don't" side. 141 00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,124 Why would I lie? 142 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,560 The ocean is closed today. 143 00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:00,694 For God's sake, Charlie, 144 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,563 do you think you could put some pants on? 145 00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:03,864 Look at me, Judy. 146 00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:05,399 I could barely make it down the stairs. 147 00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:09,002 Uh, Charlie, could you and Jake, uh... 148 00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:10,337 Yeah. Come on, kid. 149 00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,205 We'll have breakfast out on the deck. 150 00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:13,507 I already had breakfast. 151 00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,042 Okay, we'll have lunch. 152 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:16,209 Not lunchtime. 153 00:06:16,276 --> 00:06:18,546 ( imitates explosion ) 154 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:21,549 That's his head exploding. 155 00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:25,185 Judith, I-I can change. 156 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,987 Oh, please, Alan. 157 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,857 You are the most rigid, inflexible, obsessive, 158 00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:32,125 anal-retentive man I've ever met. 159 00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:34,728 Rigid and inflexible? 160 00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:39,567 Don't you think that's a little... redundant? 161 00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:54,414 My mom and dad are splitting up. 162 00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:55,816 Yeah, looks that way. 163 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:57,985 You're lucky. 164 00:06:58,051 --> 00:07:02,523 When I was your age, 165 00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,892 Your mom is my grandma. 166 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,093 Yup. 167 00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:09,763 Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment. 168 00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:13,033 Hey, sport. 169 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,902 Uh, your mom wants to say good-bye. 170 00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,607 Uh, listen, 171 00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,075 he doesn't know anything about what's going on 172 00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,244 so let's just keep this to ourselves. 173 00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:25,445 Our little secret. 174 00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:28,115 Wh-Why is she saying good-bye to him? 175 00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:30,450 Oh, well, she's going to be spending the weekend 176 00:07:30,518 --> 00:07:33,020 with her sister... in Vegas. 177 00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:35,556 uh, so, we decided that Jake would stay with me. 178 00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:37,891 With you? 179 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,893 Well, with us. 180 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,695 I'm hungry. 181 00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:43,731 Is this going to be a problem? 182 00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,673 I guess not. 183 00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:54,174 Thanks. Oh, uh, hey, listen. 184 00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,643 I've got to call my office. 185 00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,645 Would you mind making him lunch? 186 00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:01,982 Sure. 187 00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:02,983 Thanks. 188 00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:07,521 What are you smiling about? 189 00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:08,756 You don't have any food. 190 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:12,660 Yeah, but I'm not the one who's hungry. 191 00:08:13,761 --> 00:08:16,163 Who's smiling now, shorty? 192 00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:19,499 CHARLIE: You drink milk? 193 00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:22,202 Just with cereal. 194 00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:24,004 Okay. 195 00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:25,205 Not that milk. 196 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:27,340 That milk. 197 00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:29,509 What's the difference? 198 00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:31,344 That's DairyFarm. 199 00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,647 We drink DairyBarn. 200 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,117 Fine. 201 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,185 Happy? 202 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:40,554 Why would I be happy? 203 00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:42,255 It's just milk. 204 00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,024 Cute. 205 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:47,127 Keep it up, you'll be on one of the cartons. 206 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:53,667 Okay, cereal. 207 00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,703 We got Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, 208 00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,337 Frosted Flakes, Maple Loops... 209 00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:58,772 I want Maple Loops. 210 00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,808 * It's got oats and corns and wheat * 211 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,010 * It's the sweetest breakfast treat * 212 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:07,147 BOTH: * It's maple, maple, ma... ple-icious! * 213 00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:09,983 You know who wrote that song? 214 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,018 Your Uncle Charlie wrote that. 215 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:11,819 No lie? 216 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,086 Kid, if I was going to lie, 217 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:14,722 I'd say I wrote "Stairway to Heaven" 218 00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,023 not "The Maple Loop Song." 219 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:20,160 You two are really good together. 220 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:21,294 Thank you. 221 00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:23,296 So, does your wife sing, too? 222 00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:24,297 Oh, uh, no. 223 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,165 I'm not married. 224 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,234 Oh. What a shame. 225 00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:32,472 Wow... 226 00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:35,876 you're even better than a dog. 227 00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:40,313 Dr. Bloom. Yes, yes. 228 00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:41,682 This is, uh, Alan Harper. 229 00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:43,150 Yes. My wife and I need 230 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:45,886 to cancel our marriage counseling appointment 231 00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,120 for this afternoon. 232 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:50,457 Yes, well, well, something came up. 233 00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:51,558 Well, it's-it's-it's kind of personal. 234 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,060 I mean, I-I-I... 235 00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:56,764 Well, yeah, I know the point of these things is... 236 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,068 I've got to go. 237 00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,369 Um, hello? 238 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,937 Is Charlie home? 239 00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,706 Uh, uh, no. I'm, uh, I'm Charlie's brother. 240 00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:07,941 Can I, uh, can I help you? 241 00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:10,543 Oh, hi, Charlie's brother. 242 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:11,578 I'm Rose. 243 00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:14,915 I'm Charlie's housekeeper. 244 00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,349 So you're-you're a housekeeper? 245 00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:18,618 Well, housekeeper, slash, actress, slash, hand model. 246 00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:19,920 ( laughs ) 247 00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:22,455 I just do this to keep the wolf from the door. 248 00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:24,524 ( roars ) 249 00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:26,126 ( laughs ) 250 00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:27,494 You know what I mean? 251 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,797 Sure. Sure, come on in. Uh... 252 00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,501 Oh. 253 00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:36,804 Yeah, I can smell him. 254 00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:40,373 Smell who? 255 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:41,441 Your brother. 256 00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,877 He has a very musky scent. 257 00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:47,915 Uh-huh. 258 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:52,619 Well, I'll just, uh... let you get to work. 259 00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:54,822 Oh, wait. 260 00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:00,060 Oh, no. It's okay. 261 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,798 * It's got oats and corns and wheat * 262 00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,166 * It's the sweetest breakfast treat * 263 00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:07,768 * It's maple, maple, maa.... 264 00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:10,237 Jake, buddy, take a break. 265 00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:11,504 ALAN: What, uh... 266 00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,106 What took you so long? 267 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,409 We stopped for ice cream 'cause I'm a babe magnet. 268 00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:21,248 I got to take a squirt. 269 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:26,653 Why do you assume he learned that from me? 270 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,722 Because I learned it from you. 271 00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,359 Hey, thanks for cleaning up. 272 00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:33,526 Oh, it wasn't me. 273 00:11:33,593 --> 00:11:34,694 Rose was here. 274 00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:35,963 Rose? 275 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,430 You let Rose into my house? 276 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,266 She said she was your maid. 277 00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:40,500 What the hell. 278 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,803 She glued the damned cabinets shut again. 279 00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,105 Again? You've got somebody 280 00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:47,607 who comes in regularly to glue your cabinets? 281 00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:49,609 Oh, you've met some of the whack jobs 282 00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:50,677 I've gone out with. 283 00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:52,045 It's not that big a stretch. 284 00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:54,114 Oh, oh. So this is my fault. 285 00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:55,048 Who let her in? 286 00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:58,051 Oh, you are a deeply disturbed man. 287 00:11:58,118 --> 00:11:59,486 Oh, I'm deeply disturbed? 288 00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,354 Who showed up here in the middle of the night 289 00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:02,522 with his own sheets? 290 00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:04,057 Hey, at least I care what I sleep on, 291 00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:05,492 or should I say, who I sleep on. 292 00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:08,328 Hey, pal, of the two of us, 293 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:09,496 I'll bet I'm the only one 294 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,832 who slept with a married woman recently. 295 00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,533 EVELYN: And isn't that something 296 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,168 to brag about? 297 00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:17,404 ( thudding ) 298 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,941 Hi, Mom. 299 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:24,544 EVELYN: Do you have any idea how hurtful it is 300 00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,379 to hear about your own son's divorce 301 00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:28,448 on the street? 302 00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:29,416 What divorce? 303 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:30,818 Wh-what street? 304 00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:33,353 How did you get in my house? 305 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,122 You stay out of this. 306 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:38,658 I'm here to help your brother through a very difficult time. 307 00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:42,029 How could you do this to me? 308 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,230 Do what? 309 00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,998 Now when I want to see my grandson, 310 00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:46,733 I am going to have to make an appointment 311 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,268 with Judith, 312 00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:51,271 who-- let's face it-- was never very warm to me. 313 00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:53,573 And what if there's another man there, 314 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:54,908 shacking up with her? 315 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,077 Have you even stopped to consider that? 316 00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:04,351 I think he's considering it now, Mom. 317 00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,219 Here's your iced tea, Grandma. 318 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:07,988 Oh, thank you, my little angel. 319 00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,990 Oh, darling, I asked for a lemon wedge. 320 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,863 All right, here's what you're going to do. 321 00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:18,065 You and Jake will come live with me. 322 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,399 After all, I'm just 323 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,969 rattling around in that big house all by myself. 324 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,336 Mom, that's very considerate, 325 00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:25,705 but as soon as Judith and I work things out, 326 00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:27,540 I'm going to be back at my own house. 327 00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:30,810 Oh, sweetheart, grow up. 328 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,413 Think about what I said. 329 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:37,717 You're my son, and I'll always have room for you in my house 330 00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:39,752 and in my heart. 331 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,522 I-I love you, too, Mom. 332 00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,001 I love you, too, Mom. 333 00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:57,004 Too little. Too late. 334 00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:00,840 So, Vegas was good? 335 00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:02,442 It was fine. 336 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,277 Alan, I really want to apologize 337 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:05,913 for putting you through this. 338 00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,747 I was wrong to blame you for my unhappiness. 339 00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:09,082 No. No need to apologize. 340 00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:11,018 What's important is that we're here, 341 00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:12,886 and we're working on our marriage. 342 00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:13,686 You look great, by the way. 343 00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,022 Must be all the 344 00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:17,190 extra oxygen they pump into the casinos. 345 00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:18,758 Alan... And-and-and-and you were right. 346 00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,861 I-I see now that the time apart did us both a lot of good. 347 00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:22,829 I know I've grown. 348 00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,197 I am not that suffocating guy 349 00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:26,599 you threw out of the house four and half days ago. 350 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:27,935 Let me tell you that. 351 00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:29,169 Alan... And Jake's doing fine. 352 00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:30,337 I know you were concerned 353 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:31,905 about him being around my brother, 354 00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:33,440 but it turns out Charlie's great with kids. 355 00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:36,609 All right, last card, down and dirty. 356 00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,479 Kings bet. 357 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,181 Dollar. 358 00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:41,781 I'm in. 359 00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:42,715 In. 360 00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:45,552 I'll see the dollar 361 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:47,620 and raise it five. 362 00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:50,857 You raised $5 on that? 363 00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,025 I call. 364 00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:53,260 Call. Call. 365 00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:54,127 Call. 366 00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:56,930 Queens full of nines. 367 00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,365 ( groans ) 368 00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,867 Hey, kid, don't you know what a full house is? 369 00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:03,170 Yeah, and I also know what a psych-out is. 370 00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:06,039 CHARLIE: I love this boy. 371 00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:08,976 And-and-and I think 372 00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:10,710 that we're going to look back on this 373 00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:11,544 as-as a new beginning 374 00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:12,645 for our marriage, 375 00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:14,147 a rebirth, a Renaissance, if you will. 376 00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:16,549 Alan, I think I'm gay. 377 00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:21,621 All right. 378 00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:24,691 We'll make a list. 379 00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:29,696 On one side, we'll put gay stuff... 380 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,199 I'll see you... 381 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,467 and raise you 20. 382 00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:39,606 I think he's got you, pal. 383 00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,141 He's bluffing. 384 00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:45,045 He always pulls his ear when he bluffs. 385 00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:47,247 How about it, Mighty Mouse? 386 00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:49,349 You in? 387 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,352 Take him down. 388 00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,957 Call you. 389 00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:00,427 I hate this kid. 390 00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:04,731 What the hell is going on here? 391 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,133 You said "hell." 392 00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:09,469 Throw a dollar in the pot. 393 00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:10,903 What? 394 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,972 Hey, we all had to. 395 00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:16,676 Charlie, may I speak with you privately, please? 396 00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:18,945 Whose deal is it? 397 00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:19,979 ALAN: Jake, go to bed! 398 00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:21,614 I'm out. 399 00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:22,382 What is wrong with you? 400 00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:23,550 Are you insane? 401 00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:25,352 Do you have any sense of right and wrong? 402 00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,487 Probably not. How was dinner? 403 00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:30,190 How could you put Jake in a poker game with grown men? 404 00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:33,693 I obviously can't be trusted. 405 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,262 So, how was dinner? 406 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:36,729 I leave you alone with him 407 00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:38,465 for a couple of hours. I mean, it's just... 408 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:39,799 I'm just going to keep asking, Alan. 409 00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:41,268 Dinner was swell. 410 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:44,237 We both had the veal piccata, and she's gay. 411 00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,607 Wow. 412 00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:51,478 Most chicks won't eat veal. 413 00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,514 Why do I even try talking to you? 414 00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:55,848 Oh, come on. 415 00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:58,218 I'm just trying to get you to lighten up a little. 416 00:16:58,285 --> 00:16:59,452 I don't need to lighten up. 417 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,687 The world I live in is dark. 418 00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:01,854 Dark and rainy. 419 00:17:01,921 --> 00:17:03,022 And you're useless in it. 420 00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:04,457 Oh, really? 421 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,993 I wasn't useless when you needed a place to stay. 422 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:09,829 Well, obviously, that was a mistake. 423 00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:12,365 Are you sure? 424 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,501 Maybe we should make a list. 425 00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:18,505 ( playing soft blues on piano ) 426 00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:30,650 Uncle Charlie? 427 00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:32,819 What's going on? 428 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:33,353 Can't sleep? 429 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:34,721 No. 430 00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:38,891 My dad says we're moving to Grandma's tomorrow. 431 00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:42,095 Yeah. That'd keep me up. 432 00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,733 You know, if it makes you feel any better, 433 00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,401 you won 80 bucks in that last hand. 434 00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:49,369 85. 435 00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:52,339 80. House gets a cut. 436 00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:55,308 I wish my dad was as cool as you. 437 00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:56,809 Hey, don't sell your dad short. 438 00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:59,479 He loves you more than anything in the world. 439 00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:01,581 You know that, don't you? 440 00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:03,350 I guess. 441 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:10,223 How come you don't have any kids? 442 00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,459 I don't know. 443 00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:16,663 Maybe because I love me more than anything in the world. 444 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,399 Uncle Charlie? 445 00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:20,933 Yeah? 446 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,702 I don't want to go to Grandma's. 447 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:23,603 I'd rather stay here. 448 00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:29,108 Yeah, well, your dad knows what's best for you. 449 00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:30,977 Okay. 450 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,613 Good night, Uncle Charlie. 451 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,348 I love you. 452 00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:39,118 Yeah. 453 00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:41,354 Okay. 454 00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:50,363 ( kissing ) 455 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,599 You got to love a kid like that. 456 00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,267 I even played him "Stairway to Heaven," 457 00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,536 and he still liked the Maple Loops song better. 458 00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:57,870 Oh. Charlie, 459 00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:01,208 I haven't seen you in two weeks. 460 00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:03,176 Now, do you want to talk about your nephew, 461 00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:04,444 or do you want to have sex? 462 00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:05,745 Oh, sex. 463 00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:07,780 Definitely sex. 464 00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:14,921 Let me ask you something. 465 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,323 Yeah? 466 00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:18,157 Do you ever think about having kids? 467 00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:20,260 Whoa, Charlie, we got a good thing going. 468 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:21,928 Can't we just leave it at that? 469 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,263 What are you doing? 470 00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:24,864 I thought we were going to have sex. 471 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,233 How am I supposed to have sex 472 00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,100 while your biological clock is going off? 473 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:32,004 ( phone rings ) 474 00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:33,273 Hey, it's Charlie. 475 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:35,542 Do your thing when you hear the beep. 476 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,109 ( beep ) 477 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:40,012 ROSE: Hi, Monkey Man. 478 00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:41,614 I was just thinking about you 479 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,317 and wondering why we hurt each other so much. 480 00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:46,986 Rose, it's me, 481 00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:48,888 Monkey Man. 482 00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:50,290 Charlie? 483 00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:52,425 Yeah. Hey, listen, let me ask you a question. 484 00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:53,893 Is there something inherently wrong 485 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,062 with asking a woman you're involved with 486 00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,230 if she wants kids? 487 00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:58,598 Oh, Charlie. 488 00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:00,032 We got a good thing going. 489 00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:01,301 Why do you want to mess it up? 490 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,536 ( line disconnects ) 491 00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:06,606 Look at you. 492 00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:07,574 All grown up 493 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,342 and back living with Mom. 494 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:12,345 How good do you feel about yourself right now? 495 00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:16,416 On a scale of one to two. 496 00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:17,950 I'm not back living with Mom. 497 00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:19,218 I'm simply staying here 498 00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:21,020 till Judith and I work things out. 499 00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:24,223 So... one? 500 00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:25,692 What do you want, Charlie? 501 00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:28,295 Well, I figured you been here a couple of weeks. 502 00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:30,663 You got to have blood in your stool by now. 503 00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:39,739 So I thought if you and Jake wanted to come back 504 00:20:39,806 --> 00:20:42,409 to my place for a while, that that'd be okay. 505 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,743 Wait a minute. Are you saying 506 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,878 you want me to come back and live with you? 507 00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:48,381 Well, truthfully, no. 508 00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:51,217 I want Jake to come back and live with me, 509 00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:52,652 but I figure, you're a package deal. 510 00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:55,187 Thanks, but we're doing just fine here with Mom. 511 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,523 Oh, come on, Alan. 512 00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,825 We can't let Jake be exposed to her 513 00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:00,927 on any kind of ongoing basis. 514 00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:02,028 There's no ongoing basis. 515 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,262 He's only here on weekends. 516 00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:05,432 That's too much. 517 00:21:05,498 --> 00:21:08,568 Piranhas can strip an entire cow in an hour. 518 00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:11,838 Alan, we've got to get him away from her. 519 00:21:11,904 --> 00:21:13,906 I mean, look what happened to us. 520 00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:15,875 And what happened to you? 521 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:19,045 Hi, Mom. 522 00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:20,547 Charlie, you're a grown man. 523 00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,915 Perhaps it's time to stop blaming your mother 524 00:21:22,982 --> 00:21:24,384 for your own shortcomings. 525 00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:25,985 Alan, the divan is not for sitting. 526 00:21:26,052 --> 00:21:27,286 Charlie, 527 00:21:27,354 --> 00:21:28,588 get off the couch. 528 00:21:29,489 --> 00:21:31,290 Uncle Charlie! 529 00:21:31,358 --> 00:21:32,625 Oh, there's my 530 00:21:32,692 --> 00:21:34,026 good boy. 531 00:21:34,093 --> 00:21:35,161 And what did I tell you 532 00:21:35,227 --> 00:21:36,463 about yelling in the house? 533 00:21:36,529 --> 00:21:38,230 Grandma, I'm suffocating. 534 00:21:38,297 --> 00:21:39,432 ( laughs ) 535 00:21:39,499 --> 00:21:41,401 Sound familiar? 536 00:21:41,468 --> 00:21:43,002 You're right. 537 00:21:43,069 --> 00:21:44,904 This madness must end. 538 00:21:45,938 --> 00:21:48,975 Here, I got you your own key. 539 00:21:51,978 --> 00:21:53,746 * Men. 540 00:21:55,448 --> 00:21:56,816 I am not comfortable with this. 541 00:21:56,883 --> 00:21:58,585 I mean, maybe I should go wait in the car. 542 00:21:58,651 --> 00:21:59,852 You're not waiting in the car. 543 00:21:59,919 --> 00:22:01,488 Trust me. This is a great way to meet women. 544 00:22:01,554 --> 00:22:02,655 I don't want to meet women. 545 00:22:02,722 --> 00:22:04,223 I'm still married. Oh, come on. 546 00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:05,825 You're wife's out meeting chicks. 547 00:22:05,892 --> 00:22:06,759 Why shouldn't you? 548 00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:09,462 * It's got oats and corn and wheat * 549 00:22:09,529 --> 00:22:11,798 * It's the sweetest breakfast treat * 550 00:22:11,864 --> 00:22:14,200 * It's maple, maple, ma... ple-icious! * 551 00:22:14,266 --> 00:22:16,235 Your son is just adorable. 552 00:22:16,302 --> 00:22:18,270 Oh, thank you. 553 00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:19,305 You and your... 554 00:22:19,372 --> 00:22:21,574 life partner must be so proud. 555 00:22:26,379 --> 00:22:27,947 You're right. 556 00:22:28,014 --> 00:22:29,549 Go wait in the car.